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Who Killed Amanda Palmer

Astronaut (A Short History of Nearly Nothing)

 (Featuring Zoë Keating)

Is it enough to have some love
Small enough to slip inside a book
Small enough to cover with your hand
Because everyone around you wants to look

It is enough to have some love
Small enough to fit inside the cracks
The pieces don’t fit together so good
For all the breaking and all the gluing back

And I am still not getting what I want
I want to touch the back of your right arm
I wish you could remind me who I was
Because every day I’m a little further off

But you are, my love, the astronaut
Flying in the face of science
I will gladly stay an afterthought
Just bring back some nice reminders

Is it getting harder to pretend
That life goes on without you in the wake
And can you see the means without the end
In the random frantic action that we take

And is it getting easy not to care
Despite the many rings around your name
It isn’t funny and it isn’t fair
You’ve travelled all this way and it’s the same

But you are, my love, the astronaut
Flying in the face of science
I will gladly stay an afterthought
Just bring back some nice reminders

I would tell them anything to see you split the evening
But as you see I do not have an awful lot to tell
Everybody’s sick for something that they can find fascinating
Everyone but you and even you aren’t feeling well

Yes you are, my love, the astronaut
Crashing in the name of science
Just my luck they sent your upper half
It’s a very nice reminder
It’s a very nice reminder

And you may be acquainted with the night
But I have seen the darkness in the day
And you must know it is a terrifying sight
Because you and I are living the same way

Runs In The Family

One, two, three, four

My friend has problems with winter and autumn
They give him prescriptions
They shine white lights on him
They say it's genetic
They say he can't help it
They say you can catch it
But sometimes you're born with it

My friend has blight, he gets shakes in the night
And they say that there's no way that they could have caught it in
Time takes its toll on him it is traditional
It is inherited, predisposition

All day I’ve been wondering what is inside of me
Who can I blame for it
I say

It runs in the family
This famine that carries me to such great lengths
To open my legs up for anyone who'll have me
It runs in the family, I come by it honestly
Do what you want ‘cause who knows it might fill me up
Me up, me up, me up, me up, me up, me up, me up
Fill me up
Me up, me up, me up, me up, me up, me up, me up

My friend's depressed, she's a wreck, she's a mess
They've done all sorts of tests
And they guess it has something to do
With her grandmother's grandfather's grandmother
Civil war soldiers who badly infected her

My friend has maladies, rickets and allergies
That she dates back to the seventieth century
Somehow she manages in her misery
Strips in the city and shares all her best tricks with me
Well, I'm well, well, I mean i'm in hell
Well, I still have my health
At least that's what they tell me
If wellness is this, what in hells name is sickness
But business is business and business runs in the family

We tend to bruise easily, bad in the blood
I’m telling you ‘cause I want you to know me
Know me and my family
We're wonderful folks
But don't get too close to me
’Cause you might knock me up
Me up, me up, me up, me up, me up, me up, me up
Knock me up
Me up, me up, me up, me up, me up, me up, me up

Mary have mercy now look what I’ve done
But don't blame me because I can't tell where I come from
And running is something that we've always done well
And mostly I can't even tell what I’m running from

I run from their pity, from responsibility
Run from the country and run from the city
I can run from the law, I can run from myself
I can run from my life, I can run into debt

I can run from it all, I can run till I’m gone
I can run for the office and run from the cause
I can run using every last once of energy
I cannot, I cannot, I cannot run from my family

They're hiding inside of me
Corpses on ice
Come in if you'd like
But just don't tell my family
They'd never forgive me
They'll say that i'm crazy
But they would say anything if it would shut me up
Shut me up, shut me up
Me up, me up, me up, me up, me up, me up, me up
Shut me up
Me up, me up, me up, me up, me up, me up, me up

Ampersand

I walk down my street at night
The city lights are cold and violent
I am comforted by the approaching sound of trucks and sirens
Even though the world's so bad
These men rush out to help the dying
And though I am no use to them
I do my part by simply smiling

The ghetto boys are cat-calling me
As I pull my keys from my pocket
I wonder if this method of courtship
Has ever been effective
Has any girl in history said
"Sure, you seem so nice, let's get it on"
Still, I always shock them when I answer
"Hi my name's Amanda"

And I'm not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand
Even if I went with you I'm not the girl you think I am
And I'm not gonna match you
‘Cause I'll lose my voice completely
No I'm just gonna watch you
‘Cause I'm not the one that's crazy

I have wasted years of my life
Agonizing about the fires
I started when I thought that to be strong
You must be flame retardant
And now to dress the wounds calls into question
How authentic they are
There is always someone criticizing me
"She just likes playing hospital"

Lying in my bed
I remember what you said
"There's no such thing as accidents"

But you've got the headstone all ready
All carved up and pretty
Your sick satisfaction
Those his and hers matching
The daisies all push up in
Pairs to the horizon
Your eyes full of ketchup
It's nice that you're trying
The headstone's all ready
All carved up and pretty
Your sick satisfaction
Those his and hers matching
The daisies all push up in
Pairs to the horizons
Your eyes full of ketchup
It's nice that you're trying

But I'm not gonna live my life on one side of an ampersand
Even if I went with you I'm not the girl you think I am
And I'm not gonna match you
‘Cause I'll lose my voice completely
No I'm just gonna watch you
‘Cause I'm not the one that's crazy, yeah

As I wake up, two o’clock
The fire burned the block
But ironically stopped at my apartment
And my housemates are all sleeping soundly
And nobody deserves to die
But you were awful adamant
That if I didn't love you
Then you have just one alternative

And I may be romantic
And I may risk my life for it
But I ain't gonna die for you
You know I ain't no Juliet
And I'm not gonna watch you
While you burn yourself out baby
No I'm not gonna stop you
‘Cause I'm not the one that's crazy, yeah
I'm not the one that's crazy, oh yeah
I'm not the one that's crazy

Leeds United

We watch you
Your expert double exs
It's just like you
To paint those whiter fences

It's so polite, it's so polite
It's offensive, it's offensive
It's so unright, it's so unright
It's a technical, accept it

But who needs love when there's law and order
And who needs love when there's southern comfort
And who needs love at all

We stalk you
Your expert double exs
We oxidize you in your sleep
There's no exit, there's no exit

You're on a roll, you're on a roll
No one gets it, no one gets it
Your honor no, your honor
Can't you protect us, protect us

But who needs love when there's law and order
And who needs love when there's southern comfort
And who needs love when the sandwiches are wicked
And they know you at the Mac store

I’m so excited
The blacks and beat kids
Oh I’m getting frightened
Someday, someday Leeds united

Bugsy Malone came to carry you home
And they're taking you all to the doctor
Burberry vices all sugary spices
It's nice but it's not what I’m after
Sure I admire you, sure you inspire me
But you've been not getting back so
I'll wait at the Sainbury's counting my change
Making bank on the upcoming roster

And we'll stop you
Your expert double exs
Oh yeah, a big stock holder exxtra cold with two Xs
That never talking thing you do is effective, it's effective
Your shoulder's icy colder-oh than a death wish, than a death wish

But who needs love when there's law and order
And who needs love when there's dukes of hazard
And who needs love when the sandwiches are wicked
And they know you at the Mac store

I’m so excited
The blacks and beat kids
They're so excited
When I think about Leeds uniting
I’m getting frightened
The blacks, the blacks, the blacks and beat kids
It's so exciting
Someday, someday, someday, someday
Someday, someday Leeds United

Strength Through Music

"A peculiar thing happened to me this morning
Just as I reached into my pocket to find it empty of any sow
I saw two broken twigs on the ground
Shaped like the Greek letters F and S
F and S... Helium, F and S
These are the chemical symbols for iron and sulfur
It was a sign, I'm sure, for me to make gold from these two elements
I had been working all day over these hellish flames"

Locked in his bedroom
He saw the world
A web of answers
And cumshot girls

Tick tick tick tick tick
Tick tick tick tick tick

Don't bother blaming
His games and guns
He's only playing
And boys just want to have fun

He picked a soundtrack
And packed his bags
He hung his walkman
Around his neck

Tick tick tick tick tick
Tick tick tick tick tick

It is so simple
The way they fall
No pain or whimper
No sound at all

Tick tick tick tick tick
Tick tick tick tick tick
Tick tick tick tick tick
Tick tick tick tick tick
Tick tick tick tick
Boom

Guitar Hero

(Featuring East Bay Ray)

I can't get them up
I can't get them up
I can't get them up at all
Hey ho let go

Good morning killer king you're a star
That's gorgeous hold it right where you are
The weather's kinda lousy today
So what oh what oh what'll we play

Stratocaster strapped to your back
It’s a semiautomatic like dad's
He taught you how to pause and reset
And that’s about as far as you get

So what’s the use of going outside
It’s so depressing when people die in real life
I'd rather pick up right where we left
Making out to faces of death

And I could save you baby
But it isn’t worth my time
And I could make you chase me
For a little price is right

It's a hit but are you actually sure
The targets in the crowd are a blur
The people screaming just like they should
But you don't even know if you're good

So tie them up and feed them the sand
Ha! Nigga!
Try to tell us using your hands
A picture's worth a million words
And that way nobody gets hurt
And that way nobody gets hurt

And I could save you baby
But it isn’t worth my time
And I could make you chase me
For a little price is right

You're my guitar hero
You're my guitar hero
You're my guitar hero
You're my guitar hero, hey

X marks the box
In the hole in the ground
That goes off at a breath
So careful don't make a sound

X marks the box
In the hole in your head
That you dug for yourself
Now lie in it

Shut up about all of that negative shit
You wanted to make it and now that you're in
You shut your eyes and flip the cassette
And that's about the time that they hit
That's about the time that they hit

What the fuck is up with this shit
It's certainly not worth getting upset
His hands are gone and most of his head
And just when he was getting so good
Just when he was getting so good

I could save you baby
But it isn't worth my time
And I could make you chase me
For a little slice of life

You're my guitar hero
You're my guitar hero
You're my guitar hero
You're my guitar hero

Have To Drive

I have to drive
I have my reasons, dear
It’s cold outside
I hate the seasons here

I suffer mornings most of all
I feel so powerless and small
By ten o' clock I'm back in bed
Fighting the jury in my head

We learn to drive
It’s only natural, dear
We drive all night
We haven't slept in years

We suffer mornings most of all
We saw you lying in the road
We try to dig a decent grave
But it's still no way to behave

It is a delicate position
Spin the bottle
Pick the victim
Catch a tiger
Switch directions
If he hollers
Break his ankles
To protect him

We’ll have to drive
They’re getting closer
Just get inside
It’s almost over

We will save your brothers
We will save your cousins
We will drive them far away
From streets and lights
From all sign of bad mankind

We suffer mornings most of all
Wake up all bleary eyed and sore
Forgetting everything we saw
I’ll meet you in an hour at the car

What's the Use of Wond'rin

(Featuring Annie Clark)

What's the use of wondering
If he's good or if he's bad
Or if you like the way he wears his hat
Oh, what's the use of wondering
If he's good or if he's bad
He's your feller and you love him
That's all there is to that

Common sense may tell you
That the ending will be sad
And now's the time to break and run away
But what's the use of wondering
If the ending will be sad
He's your feller and you love him
There's nothing more to say

Something made him the way that he is
Whether he's false or true
And something gave him the things that are his
One of those things is you, so

When he wants your kisses
You will give them to the lad
And anywhere he leads you, you will walk
And anytime he needs you
You'll go running there like mad
You're his girl and he's your feller

Oasis

( A.k.a "Melissa Mahoney" )

When I got to the party
They gave me a forty
And I must have been thirsty
'Cause I drank it so quickly

When I got to the bedroom
There was somebody waiting
And it isn’t my fault
That the barbarian raped me

When I went to get tested
I brought along my best friend
Melissa Mahoney
Who had once been molested

And she knew how to get there
She knew all the nurses
They were all really friendly
But the test came back positive

Oh, oh, I’ve seen better days but i don’t care
Oh I just sent a letter in the mail

When I got my abortion
I brought along my boyfriend
We got there an hour
Before the appointment

And outside the building
There were all these annoying
Fundamentalist Christians
We tried to ignore them

Oh, oh, I’ve seen better days but I don’t care
Oasis got my letter in the mail

When vacation was over
The word was all over
That I was a crackwhore
Melissa had told them

And so now were not talking
Except we have tickets
To see blur in October
And I think were still going

Oh, oh, I’ve seen better days but I don’t care
Oasis got my letter in the mail

Oasis sent a photograph
Its autographed and everything
Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear

The Point Of It All

Oh what a noble distinguished collection
Of fine little friends you have made
Hitting the tables without you again
No we'll wait, no we promise, we'll wait

Well June makes these excellent sewing machines
Out of common industrial waste
She spends a few months at a time on the couch
But she's safe, she wears shades, she wears shades

Oh but no one can stare at the wall
As good as you, my babydoll
And you're aces for coming along
You're almost human after all

And you're learning that just
'Cause they call themselves friends
Doesn't mean they'll call

They made the comment in jest
But you've got the needle
I guess that's the point of it all

Maybe a week in the tropics would help
To remind you how nice life can be
We propped you right up in a chair on the deck
With a beautiful view of the sea

But a couple weeks later we came back
And you and the chair were nowhere to be seen
You had magically moved to the closet
Eyes fixed to the place where the dryer had been

Oh but no one can stare at the wall
As good as you my babydoll
And you're aces for coming along
You're almost human after all
Why on earth would I keep you propped up in here
When you so love the fall

The pattern's laid out on the bed
With dozens of colors of thread
But you've got the needle
I guess that's the point in the end

But it’s better to waste your day
Watching the scenery change at a comatose rate
Than to put yourself in it and turn into
One of those cigarette ads that you hate

But while you were sleeping
Some men came around
Said they had some dimensions to take
I'm not sure what they were talking about
But they sure made a mess of your face

But still no one can stare at the wall
As good as you my babydoll
And you're aces for playing along
You're almost human even now
And just 'cause they call themselves experts
It doesn't mean sweet fuck all

They've got the permanent press
And the homes with the stable address

And they've got excitement
And life by the fistful
But you've got the needle
I guess that's the point of it all

Another Year

I tried to fall in it again
My friends took bets and disappeared
They mime their sighing violins
I think I’ll wait another year

I want my chest pressed to your chest
My nervous systems interfere
Ten or eleven months have passed
I think I’ll wait another year

This weather turns my tricks to rust
I am a lousy engineer
The winter makes things hard enough
I think I’ll wait another year

Plus I’m only twenty-six years old
My grandma died at eighty-three
That's lots of time if I don't smoke
I think I’ll wait another year

I'm not as callous as you think
I barely breath when you are near
It's not as bad when I don't drink
I think I’ll wait another year

I have my new bill hicks cd
I have my friends and my career
I'm getting smaller by degrees
You said you'd help me disappear

But that could take forever
I think I’ll wait another year
It'll be the best year ever
I think I’ll wait another year
Can't we just wait together
You bring the smokes, I’ll bring the beer
I think I’ll wait another year

Evelyn Evelyn

Evelyn Evelyn

Evelyn, Evelyn,
Why do we bother to stay
Why are you running away
Don’t you feel like severing
Everything’s just come together at last
It’s broken, I don’t want to play

We grew up closer than most
Closer than anything, closer than anything
Shared our bed and wore the same clothes
Talked about everything, spoke about so many things

What shall we wear tonight
What shall we eat today
Can we go ice skating
But we just did that yesterday
Should we be firemen
Can we be astronauts
What if they find us
They’re not looking anyway

Evelyn, Evelyn,
Why do we bother to stay
Why are you running away
Don’t you feel like severing
Everything’s just come together at last
It’s broken, I don’t want to play

Fill my glass, let’s drink a toast
This is our birthday, so why are we weeping
At your side, I feel like a ghost
I wake up first, and I stare at you sleeping

What shall we wear tonight
What shall we eat today
Do you think I should marry him
But we just met him yesterday
Should we be movie stars
Will we be millionaires
I want to be famous
They're watching us anyway

Evelyn, Evelyn
Why do we bother to stay
Why are you running away
Don’t you feel like severing
Everything’s just come together at last
It’s broken, I don’t want to play

We grew up so very close
A parasite needs a host
I’m only trying to do what is best for us

Well, I never asked for this
I never wanted this
All that I want is some time to myself

Looking in your eyes
I’m coming home

Just get away from me
Please just stop touching me
You’re always trying to be somebody else
Now I realize I’m not alone

Well, you’re only scared of me
But you never cared for me
Why don’t you let me free
‘Cause you’d never dare to be
‘Cause you never listen
You’re always insisting
I’m just stop reminiscing
I feel something missing
I just want
You here with me / My privacy
God
Can’t we just get along / Won’t you leave me alone

Evelyn, Evelyn
Evelyn, Evelyn
Evelyn, Evelyn...

A Campaign of Shock and Awe

Behold, the eighth wonder of the natural world
Come one and come all, see the two-headed girl
Stupendous! Revolting
You’ll be shocked, you’ll be awed
A true freak of nature, a blunder of God
But possessing such talents
Hear them sing, see them dance
As seen in the highest class parlors of France
Just ten bucks a photograph
Get your seats while they last
We take Visa and MasterCard, debit or cash

Isn’t it nice that they’re being so nice to us
If I’m not mistaken I think they might like us
Aren’t we lucky to be here
Stop moving, they’re taking a picture
Smile for the camera, Evelyn

Come in, come in, must be cold out there gentlemen
Take off your coats, and just guess what the wind blew in
I know you like twins, have I got a surprise
They’re identical sisters attached at the side
Just imagine the fun you could have with these chicklets
And they’re so well-behaved, not a single complaint yet
Just look at these photographs, while I pour you a cocktail
I don’t know whether I should charge double or triple

Isn’t it nice that they’re being so nice to us
If I’m not mistaken I think they might like us
Aren’t we lucky to be here
Stop moving, they’re taking a picture
Smile for the camera, Evelyn

Ladies and gentlemen, critics and hipsters
Have you heard the new disc by the Evelyn sisters
Seamlessly floating with grace between eras and genres
They sing timeless new songs, rife with double entendres
As featured in Rolling Stone, Spin, The New Yorker and Pitchfork, Pitchfork
There’s an in-store appearance today at the corner
Of Bedford and Seventh Ave., some get a photograph, sticker and autographed shirt

Isn’t it nice that they’re being so nice to us
If I’m not mistaken I think they might like us
Aren’t we lucky to be here
Stop moving, they’re taking a picture
Smile for the camera, Evelyn

The Tragic Events of September - Part I

Are you there Evelyn
Yes, of course I am
I'm always here
What's the matter Evelyn

I'm frightened
It's that time of year again
Isn't it Evelyn

Yes, it is that time of year again, Evelyn
Tell me once more how it all happened, Evelyn

Hush now.
We don't talk about that
‘Cause it makes us sad Evelyn

I won't be sad this time
I promise
Please, tell me again about the tragic events of September, Evelyn

The year is nineteen eighty five
St. Elmo's Fire is at the top of the charts
The wreckage of the Titanic has just been discovered
At the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean
And on a small farm on the Kansas-Colorado boarder
A young mother is about to give birth

The local doctor has predicted twins
Which gladdens the hearts of the woman and her husband
Who could certainly use the extra help around the farm

But the birth does not go well
The terrified father drives his screaming haemorrhaging wife to the local clinic
A poorly funded facility housed in a converted air stream trailer
The presiding physician is Dr. Charlie von Coop
A local denture maker of dubious training with eccentric religious beliefs

The labor is long and painful
And Louise Neville, a Mennonite girl
Who had given up a promising career as a legal assistant
To join her first and only love on the run down farm
That was his only inheritance

May her soul rest forever in peace

Is pronounced dead by the doctor
At eleven twenty three A.M.
On the eleventh day of September
Precisely twelve minutes after the birth of her twin daughters

The girls are Parapagus Tripus Dibrachius twins
Conjoined at the side and sharing between them three legs
Two arms, two hearts, three lungs and a single liver
Without hesitating Dr. von Coop places the infants on the operating table
Muttering biblical quotations of doubtful accuracy
The doctor leaves that trailer and returns with a gas powered chainsaw

The noise is deafening in the small space as he starts the engine
And prepares for the grisly operation
At this very moment, Sheriff Wilbur Owens
Having noticed the Neville's car parked outside the clinic
Steps inside to see if could be of assistance
Seeing the crazed doctor hovering over the newborns
The teeth of the chainsaw about to connect with their innocent flesh
The valiant Sheriff draws his pistol and fires
As the bullet pierces his heart
Dr. von Coop emits a cry and stumbles backwards

Samuel Neville a timid nervous man
Who wanted nothing more than a quiet country life with many children
Is still in a state of shock over the death of his young wife
And the alarming physiology of his daughters
When he is struck in the neck by the chainsaw blade

Killing him instantly
Distraught the good Sheriff takes the crying infants to his car
He radios back to the station where it is arranged for the twins to be admitted
To the Bethany Center for Developmentally Disabled Youth in Topeka
Sheriff Owens decides to deliver the twins to the Bethany Center personally

Less than an hour into the drive
An oncoming truck swerves crosses median
And strikes the Sheriff's car
The Sheriff is thrown into the windshield
Knocking him unconscious
He will die thirty minutes later from loss of blood

Meanwhile the world has become a sea of feathers
As the trucks cargo of live chickens
Many among them now seriously injured or dead
Spill into the road

A small awkward man limps out of the trucks cab
And cautiously approaches the Sheriff's vehicle
The man's eyes focus on the twin girls
Calmly look up at him from the back seat
Ignoring the dying sheriff
The truck driver lifts the infants into his arm
And sets them in the cab of the damaged vehicle
He unhitches the trailer and climbs into the cab
Abandoning the defenceless chickens to their grim fate on Interstate seventy
A smile forms on his lips as he puts the truck into gear
And continues down the highway

Have You Seen My Sister Evelyn

Have you seen my sister Evelyn
Dang she’s gone and wandered off again
I’ve been looking high and low
Where oh where’d my sister go
She’s been known to spend some time
With a sailor friend of mine
I called him up and what’d he say
“I ain’t seen that girl today”

So if you see my sister Evelyn
Tell that girl to hurry home again
Where oh where’d my sister Evelyn go

Is she with the doctor or the plumber
Or the dentist or the handyman
Did she go to India or Africa
Or Wichita or Pakistan
Did she go join the Navy, or go completely crazy
Or is she playing a trick on me

Did she run off with the barber, the professor
Or the banker, or the clergyman
Is it possible that she could be in Timbuktu
Or Katmandu or Vegas or Uzbekistan
She learning how to do-do
The Chattanooga Choo Choo
Oh golly where could that girl be

Have you seen my sister Evelyn
Dang she’s gone and wandered off again
I’ve been looking high and low
Where oh where’d my sister go
She’s been known to jump a train
With a gal we know from down the lane
I looked her up and wha’d she say
“I ain’t seen that girl in days”

So if you see my sister Evelyn
Tell that girl to hurry home again
Where oh where’d my sister Evelyn go

Is my floozy sister with the doctor or the drummer
Or the dentist or the handyman
Did that ho-bag quit her job and run off with that dick-head Mike
To Indio, Guantanamo or Panama or Disneyland
Is she studying Kabbalah
Did she win a million dollars
Or is she dead in a ditch somewhere

So if you see my sister Evelyn
Tell that girl to hurry home again
Where oh where, where oh where, where oh where
Where oh where’d my sister Evelyn go

Chicken man

Chicken man (chicken man)
Chicken man (chicken man)

Chicken man (chicken man)
Chicken man (chicken man)

La la la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la

Chicken man (chicken man)
Chicken man (chicken man)

Chicken man (chicken man)
Chicken man (chicken man)

La la la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la

The curtain of wire may cover
The setting of the sun
Take comfort my sisters and brothers
The chicken man will come

Chicken man (chicken man)
Chicken man (chicken man)
Chicken man (chicken man)
Chicken man (chicken man)
Chicken man (chicken man)
Chicken man (chicken man)
Chicken man (chicken man)
Chicken man (chicken man)
Chicken man (chicken man)
Chicken man

La la la la la la la la la
La la la la la la la

Chicken man
Chick chick
Chicken man
Chick chick
Chicken man

La la la la la la la

Tragic Events Part II

Are you crying Evelyn
No, no, yes
I was just thinking about Sandy
And about Bimba and Kimba
I miss them Evelyn.

I know, I miss them too
Especially this time of year, Evelyn

The year is nineteen ninety one
Terminator 2 is the highest-grossing film at the Box Office
The first Super Nintendo Entertainment System has just been released
And after seventy years of Communist rule
The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics has collapsed

And on a chicken ranch just at side of Claxton, Georgia
Twin sisters are waiting for their supper

The farm is old and operated by Alfred McClock
An eccentric man with a fascination with Civil War weaponry
McClock's chicken farms produces over one hundred forty thousand chickens a year
And ships wings, thighs and legs all over the continental United States

Despite the modest success of his business
McClock leads a solitary life, never marrying
And tending several of the chicken houses himself
A simple man with a not entirely bad heart
McClock never knew how to best take care of the young girls
Who came into his life shortly after their birth

So he raised them the only way he knew how
In a two foot by two foot wire mesh cage
On a diet of mash, crumbles, pellets and egg booster

One clear September day during the twins sixth year at the farm
McClock does not come at meal time
Night falls and still he doesn't appear
The girls and the chickens cry out from hunger

Days pass and the chickens in neighbouring cage has begin to die
The smell of rotting poultry permeates the air of the hot, humid barn

Finally, desperate to find food and concerned over the whereabouts of their guardian
The twins break free from their cage

McClock's house is locked tight
But the girls find the garden hose which quenches their thirst
Still half delirious with hunger
They make their way out to the road

Little time passes before a dusty black Cadillac Coupe de Ville drives by and pulls over
A tall, moustached young man with a kindly face steps out of the vehicle
He smiles at the girls
'Hello'
And presents them with the first candy they had ever tasted
A Twix bar, which they share in silent, odd delight

The girls do not feel at all uncomfortable
When the man leads them gently into the dark, spacious trunk

In the following days the girls are transferred into the trunks or several other cars
By many other kindly, candy bar offering men
Until they reach their final destination at the lake side lodge in Manitoba

The Underwood lodge is a collection of cosy water front cabins
With an attached trailer park along the shores of lake Winnipeg

It is also the world headquarters of Budding Flowers Entertainment
Specializing in the production and distribution of photographs
And VHS tapes for clientele with unique tastes

The girls are welcomed by Mrs Devora Bouldger
The fifty two year old proprietess
'Well, hello, girls'
A women of enormous proportions
Who lives with her own three children in the main lodge of the underwood

Upon finding that the girls have no names
She christens them Eva and Lynn
Names, which neither she, nor the twins themselves
Are ever able to keep straight
'Eva, Lynn'

The twins days of the underwood are relatively comfortable
They are well cared for, the food is delicious
And there are many other girls their age

Once a week, photo sessions take place
Convivial affairs that involve make-up
A wide variety of dress up costumes and inventive new games
Every few days Mrs Bouldger introduces the girls to one of their many uncles
'Eva, Lyn, say hello to your uncle Mark'
'Heeey'

These uncles, seemingly endless in number
Travel from all over the world to visit their nieces

The girls don't always like their new uncles
But Mrs Bouldger is always quick to remind them that
'Family is family' and 'blood is thicker than water'

The conjoined sisters are not popular amongst the other girls
However, one gentle resident, a few years their senior befriends them
And takes them under her wing

'Hello, what's your name?'
Her name is Sandy
'I'm Sandy'

She has soft, blond hair that reaches down to her knees
Everyone says she looks like a mermaid
Dressed daily by Mrs Bouldger in trade mark fishnet stockings and vintage attire
Sandy is by far the most popular girl of the underwood
She has so many uncles that the twins lose count

Every night after dinner and chores
Sandy tucks the young sisters into bed and tells them fantastic stories
Until they fall peacefully to sleep

'And after the three long weeks at sea
Jean-Luc the sailor finally spotted land'

But these happy times do not last
Shortly after the twins' third Christmas under Mrs Bouldger's care
Sandy disappears, never to return

The twins remain in the underwood for the greater part of two, long, miserable years
Without Sandy to protect them, they are ostracized and abused by the other girls

'What are you looking at, four-eyes?!'
The photo sessions involve fewer fancy costumes
And over time, their uncles become more peculiar
'Did I ask you to talk?'

The twins begin to notice the disturbing tendency for girls
Much like their dear friend Sandy
They quietly disappear from the underwood around their 12th or 13th birthday
The sisters brace themselves for something terrible

One autumn, when the girls are eleven
‘Venga, vamos, vamos…’
An old man, who speaks only Spanish
Takes the twins into a large, orange van and drives them to their new home

'Step right up, step right up, see amazing human oddities
Freaks of nature, be warned, people with heart condition
Children, women - we will accept no responsibility for fainting
Reoccurring nightmares, or death'

Dillard and Fullerton, elusive and illogical travelling show
Is the 12th largest touring circus in North America
Former insurance salesman, Dillard and Fullerton, distinguish their enterprise
By procuring the most shocking specimen of the grotesque and unusual
Their small administrative staff works tirelessly
To combat legal actions and public allegations of animal cruelty
And human slave trafficking

Life in the circus is harder than their time at the underwood
There is always work to be done
In addition to their chores of laundry and sweeping
Mr Dillard insist that the twins spend many hours each day practising their act

'What are you standing around for?'

The girls are frightened of the clowns
Several of whom, by amazing coincidence
Also happen to be their uncles

'Hello, hello, hello'

But still, overall
These early days at the circus are happy time for the twins

Every night to the delight of audiences across the country
The girls appear in the center ring, singing and strumming the ukulele
At the top of Bimba and Kimba
The world's only known conjoined twin Siamese elephants

The twins feel they have found true soul mates in Bimba and Kimba
Who they affectionately refer to as 'Elephant, Elephant'
This special bond is reciprocates by the pachyderms
Who fondly nozzle the girls with their trunks and seem to delight in giving them rides

The twins and the elephants are inseparable
With the help of the Alphonso de Arestin, the animal trainer
The twins tend to the elephants, feeding them and grooming them daily

But one terrible August morning
Bimba and Kimba refuse to take their food
Due to the unsanitary conditions of their quarters
And an improper diet of popcorn and cotton candy
The elephants have contracted a rare form of elephantine diphtheria
Compounded by early onset Alzheimer's disease

For the next two weeks can only stand by helplessly
As their companions become sicker
And weaker and begin displaying obvious signs of memory loss
The last few days are almost unbearable
With Bimba and Kimba's confused
Sad eyes looking up at the girls with great anguish
But no hint of recognition

And on one, grim, September day
The sisters 16th birthday
Elephant Elephant dies

The funeral is held at the same day
A grizzly affair had an industrial trash compactor
Behind a Home Depot in Fort Dodge, Iowa

The twins are devastated
Without Bimba and Kimba life is but a terrible and meaningless void
They resign themselves to living out the rest of their hollow existence
In solemn mourning

The emotionally exhausted sisters
Fall from favour within the circus
No longer willing to sing and play their ukulele
The girls are dressed in a pink tutu
And forced to balance on the giant red ball
An impossible task for the conjoined sisters

'Get on that damn ball!'
The audience roars with laughter each time they awkwardly fall
Their discomfort is increased by a pair of radical groups
Who have taken an interest in the twins
Every night in most major city, protesters assemble
Nosily waving signs and chanting slogans in front of the Box Office

The first faction claims to represent an organisation called 'FASSEN'
The Foundation for Always Separating Siamese Twins Everywhere Now
Citing the bible, FASSEN members ???
That it is the will of the Lord that all conjoined twins
Be separated and allowed to live individual lives
Wielding symbolical surgical saws and blunt carbon knives
FASSEN members chide the ticket buyers for supporting the abomination of God

The second group operates under the acronym SPLIT
The Society for the Preservation of Linked Identical Twins

A reactionary organisation, working to discredit the claims of FASSEN
SPLIT believes that conjoined twins will play a critical role in the second coming of Christ

The twins are terrified by both groups
The knives and saws make them very nervous
And SPLIT members make threats to kidnap the girls
And take them to where they will be kept safe in a place of darkness until the rapture

One day before Sunday matinee in Sacramento
A chaotic brawl erupts between the two factions
And one FASSEN member gets alarmingly close to the twins with a hacksaw
Stricken with fear, the sisters decide that they are no longer safe at the circus
That night, they make a resolution
To leave the Dillard and Fullerton travelling show
Forever

Sandy Fishnets

Sandy fishnets, washed up on the shore
What’s she catching, and will she be sore

Sandy was the prettiest of all
She talked French, she came from Montreal
During chores she never had to help
Sandy got a bed all to herself
We slept in the trailer to the right
Sandy told us stories late at night
She spoke of ships and sailors
And a sea so big and wide
She had lots of uncles and was always tired

Sandy fishnets, washed up on the shore
What’s she catching, and will she be sore

How they loved her in those early days
Mrs. Bulger let her go away
All her uncles drove her off to play
We would see them kissing on the lake

Time went by and Sandy’s all grown up
The lines of uncles dwindled
And the pirate stories stopped
Then one day Melissa May showed up
And Sandy had to share a bed with us

Sandy fishnets, washed up on the shore
What’s she catching, and will she be sore

And will she be soaring over the sea
With the wind in her sails and a knife in her teeth
At the helm of a ship, on its way to a distant shore
Bermuda or Thailand, an uncharted island
Sandy, we’re all getting older
What will they do with us
When they are through with us
Sandy, what are we sailing for

Christmas morning, nineteen ninety three
Presents waiting underneath the tree
There’s a box for me, a box for me
No gift for poor old Sandy to be seen
We found Sandy sobbing quietly
Uncle Gerald said he liked Christine
Mrs. Bulgar said she had to leave
Three days later, she was gone
The day she turned thirteen

Elephant Elephant

Elephant, elephant,
Big and strong and gentle and intelligent, intelligent
How could I feel blue
I’ve got my sister at my side
And an elephant to ride

Oh, elephant, elephant
You’re sad and in a cage
But that’s irrelevant, irrelevant
‘Cause everyone is jealous when they see men riding by
On a friend of such of great size

Other kids ride bikes, that’s true
Or daddies pick them up from school
But that won’t do for me you understand, understand

Other kids have horses, other kids have dogs
Other kids have hamsters, other kids have frogs
But the pet for me is something much more grand

Other kids ride bikes, that’s true
Or daddies pick them up from school
But that won’t do for me you understand, understand

Other kids have horses, other kids have dogs
Other kids have hamsters, other kids have frogs
But the pet for me is something much more grand
And benevolent, and elegant

And I’ve got an elephant, elephant
Riding on your back I’m in my element, element
It’s true and it’s a fact that there is so much you can learn
When you’re on a pachyderm

Oh, elephant, elephant
Life’s not so bad, it’s swell of it to give me such a friend
Oh, elephant, elephant
I’m with you to the end
Elephant, elephant
I’m with you to the end
Goodnight elephant

You Only Want Me 'Cause You Want My Sister

You pulled up at the house at half past seven
In your ‘69 Impala, shook hands with my father
And we stopped off at the drug store by the drive-in
For some Trojans and a six-pack
Still your eyes kept wandering back to her
It’s always her
So let’s get one thing straightened out here, sir

If you think you’re seeing double
Let me save you some trouble
This ain’t no two-for-one bargain here, mister
‘Cause I’m much more than just twice shy
I’ve had enough two-timing guys
Who only want me ‘cause they want my sister

My eyes are just as blue as hers, my hair is just as fine
And the tattoo on her lower back’s exactly just like mine
But if you look beneath the surface
We’re as different as can be
‘Cause there’s just one heart that beats for you
And that heart belongs to me
And not to her, it’s always her
So let’s get one thing straight if I’m your girl

If you think you’re seeing double
Let me save you some trouble
This ain’t no two-for-one bargain here, mister
‘Cause I’m much more than just twice shy
I’ve had enough two-timing guys
Who only want me ‘cause they want my sister

And if tomorrow you should die
My sister would not bat an eye
She doesn’t even know your name
She’s going with some other guy
As long as she is still around
I’ll always have a trace of doubt
I need to know your love is real, but how

We’re all dressed up, the flowers sure are pretty
Mother pays her last respects
I look around, no one suspects
That it was me who put the Drano in her coffee
And now that she is underground
I’ll know that you’re not hanging ‘round
For her, no, not for her
And now I’ll know your love is true for sure

If you think you’re seeing double
Let me save you some trouble
This ain’t no two-for-one bargain here, mister
‘Cause I’m much more than just twice shy
I’ve had enough two-timing guys
Who only want me ‘cause they want my sister

It pains my heart to think of her
A rotting, stinking, maggot-infested
Bloated, and pus-oozing corpse beneath earth
You can’t imagine just how much I miss her
But now I know you want me, not my sister

Tragic Events, part III

Evelyn, Evelyn
I just had the most terrible dream
I was walking on a street in a huge city
But all of the shops and all of the cars were empty
It was so quiet, and I knew that something was very wrong
And then I realised, you weren't there
I called for you, but no one answered
I looked for you everywhere, Evelyn

Hush, it was only a dream
Don't be scared
Remember, everything is going to be better soon, Evelyn

The year is two thousand four.
The Da Vinci code is the New York Time’s number one bestseller
And the bombing at the Australian embassy in Jakarta leaves eleven dead
And on an open stretch of road, two sisters are waiting for a ride

On the eve of their 19th birthday,
The twins have covertly left their circus trailer
Packing their few worldly possessions
A change of clothes, their painted ukulele
And a battered photograph of Bimba and Kimba.
They walk nine miles under cover of night

After what seems like an endless wait
An eighteen-wheeled truck pulls over
And the driver, a retired professional wrestler named Tony
Offers the girls a ride

"Hey, little ladies
Why don't you slide on up in here, next to Tony."

Unskilled at Smalltalk
The twins sit wide-eyed and silent in the front seat
The driver, who had not initially noticed the twin’s unique condition
Leaves the sisters at a gas station in Walla Walla, Washington

‘Listen why don't you two just hang out here for a minute
I'll be right back...’

Not knowing where to go
The twins walk in to the nearby Don't Tell Motel
Run by one Montgomery Lubovich.
"You girls looking for a room?"

When it becomes apparent that they have no means to pay for their stay
Mister Lubovich offers to employ them in exchange for lodging and food
"Well you can stay here, but it ain't gonna be free"

The twins are given a small cot in the corner of the boiler room
And are put to work stuffing envelopes, licking stamps
And filling out hundreds of sweepstakes applications
Every day on Mister Lubovich's behalf

More so than ever before
The twins feel lonely at the Don't Tell.
They dream of befriending some of the other tenants
Many of whom are women their age
But whenever the shy sisters work up the courage
To approach one of these potential friends
They are met with looks of fear and disgust
"Oh my god. Candie, that thing is looking at us"

So they busied themselves by composing songs
And practising their ukulele technique
After two years at the Don't Tell
Mister Lubovich teaches the girls to search for and print
Sweepstakes applications by themselves
On the 486 Pentium computer behind the motel's front desk
"Now type w-w-w dot instant win frenzy dot com"

One day, while searching online for new sweepstakes application forms
The girls mistakenly stumble upon a social networking site
They navigate through the profiles of many musicians and performers
And see the great number of friends that they have

They are amazed, and intrigued
The twins redouble their efforts
And stay up late for a week
To perfect their singing and ukulele playing

Late one night
While Mister Lubovich is fast asleep
The twins creep out of the boiler room
To the front desk computer
To create their very own music profile page
Their heartbeats quicken
As their first song begins to upload

Just think of all the friends we're going to have, Evelyn
Thousands, thousands and thousands of friends, Evelyn
I'm so excited, Evelyn
Goodnight, Evelyn
Goodnight, Evelyn

My Space

It’s hard enough to know
Where you’re really supposed to go
When you’re looking for a friendly face
Book a ticket to another place

You move your lips to speak
But they look at you like you’re a freak
It’s a struggle just to stay alive
Journals burning in a burning fire

Everyone stares, but nobody ever sees you
You go searching everywhere
But the feeling never leaves you

And you can’t always want what you get
When you’re looking for love
In a cafe on the internet
You want somewhere to hide
Where everyone can find you
You join hands with the world and say
“I just want my space”

Some people say the future’s past
We’re going down in an electro-blast
There are plenty other acts like you
Tube is full of them and they can see right through you

It’s a big bad world out there
Everybody looking for a GIF to share
And you’re crying out to find your friends
Turn around and they are gone again

Everyone stares, but nobody ever sees you
Try to vanish in thin air
But the feeling, it never leaves you

And you can’t always want what you get
When you’re looking for love
In a cafe on the internet
You want somewhere to hide
Where everyone can find you
You join hands with the world and say
“I just want my space”

And you can’t always want what you get
When you’re looking for love
In a cafe on the internet
You want somewhere to hide
Where everyone can find you
You join hands with the world and say
“I just want my space”

I just want to go where nobody knows my name
And no one notices or cares whether I came
I just want my friends altogether in one place
I just want control over the way they see my face
I just want to friend the entire human race
I just want my space
I just want my space
I just want my space
I just want my space
I just want my space

Love Will Tear Us Apart

( Curtis/Hook/Sumner/Morris )

When routine bites hard
And ambitions are low
And resentment rides high
And emotions won't grow

And we're changing our ways
Taking different roads
Love, love will tear us apart again
Love, love will tear us apart again

Why is the bedroom so cold
You've turned away on your side
Is my timing that flawed
Have our feelings run dry

Yet there's still this appeal
We've kept through our lives
Love, love will tear us apart again
Love, love will tear us apart again

You cry out in your sleep
All my failings exposed
There's a taste in my mouth
As desperation takes hold
Just that something so good
Just can't function no more

Love, love will tear us apart again
Love, love will tear us apart again
Love, love will tear us apart again
Love, love will tear us apart again

Performs The Popular Hits Of Radiohead On Her Magical Ukulele EP

Fake Plastic Trees

A green plastic watering can
For a fake chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth

That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself

And it wears her out, it wears her out
And it wears her out, it wears her out

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns

He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins

And it wears him out, it wears him out
And it wears him out, it wears him out

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love

But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run

And it wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out

And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time

And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time
All the time
All the time

High And Dry

Two jumps in a week
I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy
Flying on your motorcycle
Watching all the ground beneath you drop
You'd kill yourself for recognition
Kill yourself to never, ever stop
You broke another mirror
You're turning into something you are not

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

Drying up in conversation
You'll be the one who cannot talk
All your insides fall to pieces
You just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you
When you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit on you
You'll be the one screaming out

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

It's the best thing that you ever had
The best thing that you ever, ever had
It's the best thing that you ever had
The best thing that you ever had has gone away

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me
Don't leave me

No Surprises

A heart that's full up like a landfill
A job that slowly kills you
Bruises that won't heal

You look so tired-unhappy
Bring down the government
They don't, they don't speak for us

I'll take a quiet life
A handshake of carbon monoxide

No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises

Silence, silence

This is my final fit
My final bellyache

With no alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises, please.

Such a pretty house
And such a pretty garden

No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises, please

Idioteque

Who's in the bunker
Who's in the bunker
Women and children first
Women and children first
Women and children
I'll laugh until my head comes off
I'll swallow Until I burst
Until I burst
Until I

Who's in the bunker
Who's in the bunker
I have seen too much
I haven't seen enough
You haven't seen
I'll laugh until my head comes off
Women and children first
And children first
And children

Here I'm allowed
Everything all of the time
Here I'm allowed
Everything all of the time

Ice age coming
Ice age coming
Let me hear both sides
Let me hear both sides
Let me hear both
Ice age coming
Ice age coming
Throw me in the fire
Throw me in the fire
Throw me in the

We're not scaremongering
This is really happening
Happening
We're not scaremongering
This is really happening
Happening
Mobiles quirking
Mobiles chirping
Take the money and run
Take the money and run
Take the money

Here I'm allowed
Everything all of the time
Here I'm allowed
Everything all of the time

Creep

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here
I don't belong here

She's running out the door
She's running
She run, run, run, run, run

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here
I don't belong here
I don't belong here

Exit Music (For A Film)

Wake from your sleep
The drying of your tears
Today we escape, we escape

Pack and get dressed
before your father hears us
before all hell breaks loose

Breathe, keep breathing
Don't lose your nerve
Breathe, keep breathing
I can't do this alone

Sing us a song
A song to keep us warm
There's such a chill, such a chill

And you can laugh a spineless laugh
We hope your rules and wisdom choke you

And now we are one
In everlasting peace

We hope that you choke, that you choke
We hope that you choke, that you choke
We hope that you choke, that you choke

Amanda Palmer Goes Down Under

Makin' Whoopee

( Walter Donaldson / Gus Kahn )

Another bride, another June
Another sunny honeymoon
Another season, another reason
For makin' whoopee

A lot of shoes, a lot of rice
The groom is nervous, he answers twice
It's really killin'
That he's so willin' to make whoopee
*Uh*

Picture a little love nest
Down where the roses cling
Picture that same sweet love nest
Think what a year can bring

He's washin dishes and baby clothes
He's so ambitious he even sews
But don't forget folks
That's what you get folks, for makin' whoopee

Another year, or maybe less
What's this I hear
Oh, can't you guess
She feels neglected, and he's suspected
Of makin' whoopee

Oh, she sits at home
Most every night
He doesn't phone, he doesn't write
He says he's busy
And she says, "Is he?"
He's makin' whoopee
*Uh*

He doesn't make much money
Only five thousand per
Some judge who thinks he's funny
Says, "He'll give six to her."

And he says, "Judge, what I fail?"
The judge say, "Budge straight into jail.
You'd better keep her. I think it's cheaper
Than makin' whoopee."

Australia

I can do the dishes while talking on the phone
I could ask you for an answer but you want to be alone
I can never do the dishes a single dish at a time
It’s too much of a commitment so I line them up and fire

I could calamine your insides
I could wind them all around me
I could tiptoe on a tightrope
Made of fear and looking down see
All the people, do they see me
I could wave or I can carry
All the dishes that they gave me
That are keeping me steady

Or I could go to Australia
Carry a bowie knife
And wear my hair like Hepburn parted on the side
And learn card tricks and buy
Everyone drinks and take boxing and write
Songs about my bowie knife

I could do these dishes
I could try to do these dishes
I could try...

I could bake a cake
My kitchen is small but I could clear the space
I could write my name
Because practice makes perfect, yes that’s what they say
I could make a button out of plaster that said finished
I could hang it in my closet to the left side of the light switch
I could walk down to a Columbus and try drinking to forget it
And then come home less afraid and then press it and press it

Or I could go to Australia
Carry a bowie knife
And wear my hair like Hepburn parted on the side
And learn card tricks and buy
Everyone drinks and take boxing and try
Eating things only with chopsticks and write
Songs about my bowie knife

I could do these dishes
I could try to do these dishes
I could decide to do these dishes
I could decide

Or I could go to Australia
And carry a bowie knife and wear my hair
Like Hepburn parted on the side
And learn card tricks and physics and buy
Everyone drinks and take boxing and try
Eating things only with chopsticks and finally be
Like a person I think you might like

I could do these dishes
I could try to do these dishes
I could decide to do these dishes
I could decide to do these dishes
Time to decide!

Fuck it
I’m gonna go to Australia
I’m gonna go to Australia
I’m gonna go to Australia
She's gonna go to Australia!
Bye-bye

Vegemite (The Black Death)

You tell me that you love me when I’m lying by your side
You tell me that I am the only one who understands your troubled mind
That I’m blind to any evil you can do
And that I love you more than any other girl could ever do

You love the things that I love: you love art and you love books
And you love love as much as I do and you love my dirty looks
And you love me right now
So how
Can you love...

Vegemite. It tastes like sadness
It tastes like batteries. It tastes like asses
I cannot hold a man so close who spreads this cancer on his toast
It is the Vegemite, my darling, or it’s me

You have to make a fucking choice
I cannot sit with you at breakfast
The very smell of it obliterates my senses
And if that weren’t bad enough
You also eat the shit for lunch
Which means we can’t spend any time together
What kind of relationship is that?

The choice is yours, my heart is in your hands
Please wash your hands
You just had Vegemite for lunch you selfish bastard

It’s all about you, isn’t it
It’s just take, take, take, take
What about me!
What about my feelings!
I'm sorry...

"I had this really awful experience when I was six years old and our British next door neighbour,
Christopher Gill, he was babysitting us, and he made me eat
An entire spoonful of marmite. Which is just like Vegemite, pretty much, except it’s, even grosser
But he had told me - he made me eat it by telling me it was chocolate fudge
So I swallowed the whole thing and then I had to go to the bathroom and throw up,
and it really traumatised me, and I’m sorry I get so emotional, I just..."

I love you
And no matter what you eat
I’ll always love you completely
I might just always leave the room at meal times
Or refuse to kiss or touch you for a week
If you insist on putting that foul death paste in your mouth

You’re in my heart, but put yourself inside my shoes
I have to know, it shouldn’t be that hard to choose
I know it’s tearing you apart, but it’s the way it has to be
It is the Vegemite, my darling
It is the Vegemite, my darling
Put down the Vegemite, you fucker, or I’ll leave

Map of Tasmania

( Amanda Palmer feat. Young Punx )

(Oh my God - again)
They don't play the song on the radio
(Oh my God - again)
They don't play the song on the radio
(Oh my God - again)

They don't play the song on the radio
They don't show the tits on the video
They don't know that we are the media
They don't know that we start the mania
Your eyes don't want to see what I'm making you
Your ass is off its seat and I'm shaking you
Walking down the street I'm the lady - ah -
Showing off my map of Tasmania

(Oh my God - again)
(Oh my God - again)

Soft and sweet and shaped like a triangle
Some girls want no shape and they shave it all
That's so whack, it hurts with the stubble
Walking 'round and look like an eight-year-old
Soft and sweet and shaped like a triangle
Some girls want no shape and they shave it all
That's so whack, it hurts with the stubble
Walking 'round and look like an eight-year-old

I say grow that shit like a jungle
Give 'em something strong to hold onto
Let it fly in the open wind
If it get too bushy, you can trim

They don't play the song on the radio
They don't show the tits on the video
They don't know that we are the media
They don't know that we start the mania
You eyes don't want to see what I'm making you
Your ass is off its seat and I'm shaking you
Walking down the street I'm the lady - ah -
Showing off my map of Tasmania

They don't play the song on the radio
They don't show the tits on the video
They don't know that we are the media
They don't know that we start the mania
You eyes don't want to see what I'm making you
Your ass is off its seat and I'm shaking you
Walking down the street I'm the lady - ah -
Showing off my map of Tasmania

(Oh my God - again)
Showing off my map of Tasmania
(Oh my God - again)
Showing off my map of Tasmania
(Oh my God - again)
Showing off my map of Tasmania
(Oh my God - again)
Showing off my map of Tasmania

(Oh my God - again)
(Oh my God - again)
Showing off my map of Tasmania

In My Mind

( Amanda Palmer feat. Brian Viglione )

In my mind
In a future five years from now
I'm a hundred and twenty pounds
And I never get hungover
Because I will be the picture of discipline
Never minding what state I'm in
And I will be someone I admire
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how to see
That I'm not exactly the person that I thought I'd be

And in my mind
In the far-away here-and-now
I've become in control somehow
And I never lose my wallet
Because I will be the picture of discipline
Never fucking-up anything
And I'll be a good defensive driver
And it's funny how I imagined
That I would be that person now
But it does not seem to have happened
Maybe I've just forgotten how to see
That I'll never be the person that I thought I'd be

And in my mind
When I'm old I am beautiful
Planting tulips and vegetables
Which I will mindfully watch over
Not like me now, I'm so busy with everything
That I don't look at anything
But I'm sure I'll look when I am older
And it's funny how I imagined
That I could be that person now
But that's not what I want
If that's what I wanted
Then I'd be giving up somehow
How strange to see
That I don't want to be the person that I want to be

And in my mind
I imagine so many things
Things that aren't really happening
And when they put me in the ground
I'll start pounding the lid
Saying, I haven't finished yet
I still have a tattoo to get
That says, I'm living in the moment
And it's funny how I imagined
That I could win this win-less fight
Maybe it isn't all that funny
That I've been fighting all my life
But maybe I have to think it's funny
If I want to live before I die
And maybe it's funniest of all
To think I'll die before I actually see
That I am exactly the person that I want to be
Fuck yes
I am exactly the person that I want to be

Bad Wine And Lemon Cake

( Amanda Palmer feat. The Jane Austen Argument )

I have a little house
Close to town, but not to the city
Far from home, but near my family
No water views, but so close to the sea
I see
This is how my little life could be

And I'm filling it with things
Like furniture that I find on the street
And all the special things I'd like to eat
Pictures of people that I'd like to meet
I'll meet them when I'm orbiting the world

And it's so pretty
And so lonely

My little love affairs
Are all scheduled ‘round the TV guide
And my sex life has all been plagiarized
In an attempt to meet a harsh deadline...

I'd like to rent-a-wife
Then rent a husband to keep her for life
The three of us, we could be so happy
Them with each other, me with company
I'll see them off on a flight around the world...

And it's so pretty
And so lonely

I could just die
I might just die
I could just die
I might just die

And at my funeral
They will say "Tom, he was such a nice guy,
He went too early, but he went in style."
They'll play my music and then they will cry

They'll have a little wake
They'll drink bad wine and they'll eat lemon cake
And my mother's little heart will break
And she will say:
"Wait! There must be some mistake,
He can't be dead
Take me instead!"

Oh, but I'm not dead
They tell me I'm not dead
They say that I'm not dead
And I won't die for some time

I'm in my little house
Just writing little songs to pass the time
Which incidentally is seven forty-nine
So don't you worry, I'm completely fine
I'm fine
Don't you worry, I'm completely fine
I'm fine
Don't you worry, I'm completely fine
I'm fine
Don't you worry, I'm completely fine
I'm fine, I am just so fucking fine

New Zealand

New Zealand New Zealand
You caught me on an awful day
My little life is all fucked up
My psyche is in disarray

New Zealand New Zealand
I
You know, you'll notice for those of you singing along
And I don't know how the fuck you know the words for this song
You must have listened to it a million times on Youtube
I did a little tweeking of the lyrics
I hope you don't mind Now I feel so guilty
I only played this song live, like, once
A year ago

New Zealand New Zealand
You caught me on an awful day
My little life is all fucked up
My psyche is in disarray

New Zealand New Zealand
I wish i could enjoy you more
I wish i had more time to see your
Cliffsides and your blackened shores

New Zealand New Zealand
I don’t know why I tour this way
Trapped inside an aeroplane
And twittering the scenery

New Zealand New Zealand
I feel like shit what can i say
My period is six days late
My pubic hair is turning grey

But I don’t believe in the beauty standard
And there’s no way that I’m pregnant
So it’s technically okay

Everything is so beautiful here
The people on Cuba Street drinking their beers
I wish I could stay here and never go hume
I wish I could be like Holly Hunter in the Piano
And not have to talk to anyone
Even though there's technically nothing wrong with my voice
And just play piano and make love to hot local boys

New Zealand New Zealand
You cought me at the end of tour
My will power's collapsing
And I can not do this anymore

New Zealand New Zealand
My song is coming to an end
I hope you have enjoyed it
And I hope I get my period

And I hope I haven’t grossed you out
But that’s what happens when you
Ask me to write a song about your country in twenty minutes

On An Unknown Beach

I'm a pale intruder on an unknown beach,
My back to the water, my feet in the sand
Finding no recognition as each sign of life
Invades the precision of this aging land

An abandoned flipper in a world of storms
There's a man on the shoreline with a white parakeet
Trying to make his bird go home

With increasing continuity endless space
Gazes 'round the periphery not disheartened
Wearing its most inexpressible face

My instinct is double as the waves roll by
But my vision is halved and the foam in the green
As the insects talk to the blazing sky

Wax in the ear, stitch in the side
Wolves are feast for the blind
Under and over, the why and the wherefore
Easy to sit back with time
Driving discussions like cranes through the car park
Setting them all in a line
All interceding, not yet proceeding
Misleading doubts in my mind

I'm a pale intruder on an unknown beach
My back to the water, my feet in the sand
Needing no recognition as each sign of life
Invades the precision of this aging land

We're Happy Little Vegemites

We're happy little Vegemites
As bright as bright can be
We all enjoy our Vegemite
For breakfast, lunch, and tea
Our mummies say we're growing stronger
Every single week
Because we love our Vegemite
We all adore our Vegemite
It puts a rose in every cheek

Doctor Oz

Travelling in circles
The world's a sinking oyster
And my bed's become unfathomably wide

Oh work and work and work and work and
Dream about the cloister
And occasionally get out to see the sun
Not shine

Then I see him at a distance
He is devilishly handsome
He is charming and impeccably dressed

He has a little black bag with him
And what's in it isn't certain
But I’m going to take an educated guess

And I’m starting to feel faint now
Like a lady in a movie
Someone fetch ammonia and some towels
But it needs to be administered
By a fellow who is registered

Is there a doctor in the house

Doctor Oz, Doctor Oz
Doctor Oz, Doctor Oz
Doctor Oz, Doctor Oz
Doctor Oz
Show me how they treat you in the south

You call this artic bullshit summer
It's a sad excuse for weather
And I want to crawl and live inside the couch

But despite the bitter chills and
The difficulty breathing
There's a fire in my stomach
And it won't go out

Until I’m travelling in circles
And the world's a sinking oyster
And my bed's becoming unfathomably wide

Oh work and work and work and
Dream about the cloister
And occasionally get out to see the sun
Not shine

Could it be an illness
I've contracted from the business
And could it be transmittable by mouth

You my friends are witness
As I try to kick the sickness
Is there a doctor in the house

Doctor Oz, Doctor Oz
Doctor Oz, Doctor Oz
Doctor Oz, Doctor Oz
Doctor Oz
Show me how you do it in the south

A Formidable Marinade

( Feat. Mikelangelo And The Black Sea Gentlemen & Lance Horne )

I have seen you in a Turkish bath
I didn't know if I should cry or laugh
Nakedness has a sweet, sweet smell
That sends me down to the pits of hell
The steam, that rises from the water
Tells me you are Satan's daughter
If I am the devil's son
Into the darkness we should run

Sodomy is not just for animals
Human flesh, is not just for cannibals
I'll feast on your body if you'll feast on mine
Blood is thicker, and redder than wine
Lay ourselves out, upon the table
Ravish each other 'till we're no longer able
When juices mix in the heat of the fray
It will make a formidable marinade

If I put my hand in Pandora's box
And I was smitten by a deathly pox
If I were a leper or the warts on a toe
Would you think well of me, when I go
If I wrote my name with a razorblade
In the palm of your hand, would it still fade
If I kissed your lips would you think it wrong
Or would you come along with me

Sodomy is not just for animals
And human flesh, is not just for cannibals
I'll feast on your body if you'll feast on mine
Blood is thicker, and redder than wine
Lay ourselves out, upon the table
Ravish each other 'till we're no longer able
When juices mix in the heat of the fray
It will make a formidable, a formidable marinade

I'll roast you on the spit like a fatted calf
When you're done I'll split your body in half
Climb into your reddened core
Curl up tight, and close the door
And in your body I'll dream of things
Like geese, mustard, cabbages and kings
Thermos full of chocolate sauce
And men who live on only remorse

Sodomy is not just for animals
And human flesh, is not just for cannibals
I'll feast on your body if you'll feast on mine
Blood is thicker, and redder than wine
Lay ourselves out, upon the table
Ravish each other 'till we're no longer able
When juices mix in the heat of the fray
It will make a formidable, a formidable marinade
A formidable marinade

The Ship Song

Come sail your ships around me
And burn your bridges down
We make a little history, baby
Every time you call around

Come loose your dogs upon me
And let your hair hang down
You are a little mystery to me
Every time you call around

We talk about it all night long
We define our moral ground
When I crawl into your arms
Everything, it comes tumbling down

Come sail your ships around me
And burn your bridges down
We make a little history, baby
Every time you call around

Come loose your dogs upon me
And let your hair hang down
You are a little mystery to me
Every time you call around

Your face looks sad now
For you know the time is nigh
When I must remove your wings
And you, you must try to fly

Come sail your ships around me
And burn your bridges down
We make a little history, baby
Every time you call around

Come loose your dogs upon me
And let your hair hang down
You are a little mystery to me
Every time you call around

Non Albums Tracks

1.1.94

( Who Killed Amanda Palmer - Alternate tracks LP )

We had written
We would sit down
And start again
From the beginning

It was finally time
To stop whining
And start doing
Anything, something
To make them believe we were living

And we kept on bleeding
Long after the signatures
Dried on the paper
I stole from Melissa’s Macbeth

And oh how I needed so much to believe it
And isn't it sick how I thought that I knew you to death

How romantic
Ushering in the New Year
With our childish antics

And now soon after
The gullible glimmer of hope turned to sarcastic laughter

And we were intelligent people with eyes in our heads
It's astonishing is it
I thought you looked just plain shy a quiet kind of guy

With abandonment waiting behind every corner
A delicate son of a loner how lonely was I

There is still time
We could still try
It's very difficult
When no one's there to
Catch you in the rye

You kept saying
That the blackout were godsend
At least it made living worth hating
You kept taking the bad with the worse
Like some curse that your mother was making

Oh and isn't it funny years later
To look at it broken and shaking our heads
Laughing if we'd known back then what trouble it would bring

To actually want to create something beautiful
Now we've turned into those pitiful people
Too scared to touch
And drinking way too much

Oh it's typical
Isn't it
Say it you cynic
We asked for it

Didn't we ask for it
Didn't we want to be
Lesser and lesser
And covered and down with it

Didn't it
Didn't it
Didn't it
No

There is still time
We could still try
It's very difficult
When no one's there to
Catch you in the rye

Ambien

Ambien, arsenic
And make me a lesbian
Make me a something
So I can forget him
And get back to reading
And get back to sleep again
Out of van, marzipan
Anything, anything

CNN, TRL
Make me a vegetable
Show me the war and remind me to hate them all
Shooting off nerves at each other
How could I deserve to be crying here
Under the covers

But I just want to make it through the night
I just want to feel like I’ll survive
Everything is relative that's right
You've never suffered a day in your life

Make me thirteen again
Mannequin, safety pins
Things were so simple then
No of this drawn out
Selection
I made no distinction
I just hated one
BBC, history
Make me feel ugly
Something with Nazis would do the job perfectly
He's just a boy what on earth am I thinking
The billions treasure each drop they are drinking
And I just want to make it through the night
I just want to know that I’ll survive
Everything is relative that's right
But you've never suffered a day in your life

Poor little rich girl
Playing piano
All of the practice
We think you'd have learned by now
Poor little rich girl
Playing piano
What good is practice
If you haven't learned by now
Poor little rich girl
Playing piano
What good is practice
If you haven't learned by now
Poor little rich girl
Playing piano
It is a big world
I think you'd have learned by now
There are no starving chinese
In your bedroom
The finger that points is attached to your elbow
Poor little rich girl
Playing piano
It is a big world
I think you'd have learned by now
There are no starving chinese
In your bedroom
The finger that points is attached to your elbow

Behavior

( Terrible Thrills Vol. 1 / Steel train Cover )

When I look at my strange behavior
I think I understand
Why those broken bones
Led me to an evil ghost
I followed it to any hole

It said, "Look at me,
I'm nothing but a shadow
What you thought was fear
Well it was hollow
Look at you
You've been chasing shadows"
And then I woke up
Wake up, wake up

I still don't get all my strange behavior
I can't believe what I thought would save me
Pretty girl, I followed her around the world
And when I caught her she said to me
She said

"Look at love,
It's nothing but a shadow
Where you saw a heart
That was hollow
Look at you
You've been chasing shadows"
And then I woke up
Wake up

Bitter

A dirty deed is brewing green ivy overgrowing
The scissors poised and ready and she said that she was going
A thousand hours of waiting she put it all in writing
She pricked her finger for it but she's not cooperating

Oh I swear
By the river styx
That's where I am fixed.

But I think the time is nearing I think I might be thawing
If only I were certain that my temperature weren't falling
And the tourists have been coming
From my fingers sawing
Pieces for exhibits where impressive crowds are drawing

Oh I swear
By the river styx
That's where I am that's where that's where I am I am fixed

And if I had the patience and I had the humor and you had the slightest clue what all this
Fuss was for all of the times that I say that I'll do it there's 909 that I secretly ruin its good
That I tell you what I am escaping for over the rainbow and out through the back door

If only I could prove it
If only I could do it
If only I could torture all the people who can use it
And at the final hour I am forced to sit and gather
The thousand hours of inspiration slowly growing sour

Oh I swear
By the river styx
That's where I am that's where that's where I am I am fixed

And if I had an offer to be better id decline
And if it were more awful to consider id be fine
And if it were all my fault
That i'm that i'm that i'm that i'm

And i've pined and i've regretted that I aided and abetted
This end and if it isn't it will be soon you bet it will be
And the tapes are in the fire
Go to bed because i'm tired
Of saying it is done
Because i've always been a liar

And if it were all my fault that i'm bitter....

Bluesboy

Bright, my little bluesboy
You smile too much
Let's see a nice frown
And don't touch so much

He made it look fun
What's done is done
I am so stupid
You are so young
Still I'd have to say
That now and then I'd cry
To see your smile

Still, I had no reason
I have no rhyme
I'm out of your time
And you're out of town
A difference not in years
But in the distance
From a place that I look through

You aren't there
And I have hope
But not enough
No, not enough
No not so little that
I'd dare to tie the rope

She lied for you twice
She doesn't like me
I understand but
She isn't nice

And I sit by the window
You wrote a song
You think I'm evil
I hope you're wrong
Still I felt a spark when
It implied that I'd been a good thing,once

I'm so dumb
And you're still young
But not enough
No, not enough
No not so old that you could
Realize what you've done

*** Thanx a lot to Cody for this one ***

Boyfriend in a Coma

( A.k.a Love Comes In/Call Me Crazy )

We're not here tonight
But I trust that
You are safe and tight
So I can sleep fast
The moon was at your side
It just hit there
The sun is paralyzed
But I’m a savior

Let me at him
I can fix it
Just a quick one
Nothing to it
Just like tine gypsy queen did
I can fuck you back to life kid

Waking with a start
I remember
Where you really are
And how you got there
I took both your arms
And your eyes fell
Straight into my heart
And out the other
Sight is all you've got
So I’ll try to
Translate every thought
And I’ll scream for you

Shut the beds off
Here's the password
Dance around the dark don't answer
Cuff the masses
Stuff their mouths full
Make them see it is so simple

Did I say too much
Are you angry
Are you safe to touch
Or will you hurt me

Who made all this mess
I did I did
I'll come back at ten
And kiss your eyelids
There's no more to ask
You are dreaming
But until you're back
I'll keep screaming

Shut the beds off
Here's the answer
Dance around
Cuff the masses
Stuff their mouths full
Make them learn it by example
Tie the nurses to the doctors
Make them have to see each other
They will fall in love completely
Call me crazy call me crazy
Now is the time when you're pained
We are so weak in the end
When you are able to breathe
I think that I’ll still believe
Love comes in moments like these
Love comes in moments like these
Love comes in moments like these

Circus Freak Love Triangle

( Hierosonic ft. Amanda Palmer )

Quarter back
Plastic rack
Jumping jack flash, and being all queer

Nation-wide
Suicide
National pride being sung out of fear

Friendliness
And Penney-less
Ignorant bliss is just a disguise

And the devil was laughing at us
‘Cause he knows that we'll all be forgotten by dawn

Power sick
Politics
Liars or not, put your sighs on my lawn

Annalist
Journalists
We should just shut the fuck up and move on

Born again
Recruit-a-friend
To live by the book, put your cross on his wall

And the devil is laughing at us
Cause we're doing all of his hard work for him

Morning wood
Hollywood
Table-top sex carried out on the floor

I commit
When you commit
Fighting and slipping into a divorce

Living love(living love)
And Losing love(losing love)
Is just part of his game, God is just having fun

And the devil is laughing at us
'Cause none of this means anything at the end

None of this means anything in the end

Dear Old House That I Grew Up In

Dear old house that I grew up in
I know that I’ll leave you any day
Dear old house that I grew up in
Can't you find a way to make ‘em stay

And all the girls I went to school with
Walked downtown with all the cool kids
I was staked out in your cellar
Making friends with dead umbrella
And every creak of every floorboard
Tells the story of the girl I stuck inside
And if they move away
I'll have no place to hide

Dear old house that I grew up in
I've never really been in love
You took my heart when I was a child
Noises wrapped around my little body like a winter glove
You're just a random set of objects
In a town that’s filled with sadness
In the armpit of the world
You're chopped down trees and rotting soil
And if I wanted to I’d keep you
I'd fill you up and heat you

With the market how it is, Amanda
Well you know, the price of oil

Goodbye stairs, and goodbye stars on painted walls at home
Attic door, and banister, I’ll miss you most of all
You were supposed to keep me safe
This wasn’t supposed to end
Does it sound ridiculous
To call you my best friend

Dear old house that I grew up in
I know I haven't visited that much
But, every lifeless hotel and apartment i walk into
Just reminds me of the doorknobs that i want to touch
I won't miss you, when they sell you
To some evil yuppie couple
With the child who'll put miley cyrus posters in my bedroom

I am a native of the north
I am a rock star on the road
I am now permanently located in each place i am known
But it doesn’t feel like anywhere
When you can't go back home

Dear old house that I grew up in
I know it isn't your fault this panned out,
Please don't take it personally

Love,
Amanda

P.s. - tell the evil yuppie couple, that I’m rich
I'll buy them out

Denial

???
You really don’t know what a little ??? could do

You don’t have to care
You really ought to help this man
???

Now ??? pinball in the hole
‘Cause ??? says hot and your cigarette says hello

We've got such a lovely bed
What a very nice trail of dead
Did you think it wouldn’t happen
If you acted like you didn't know

Well, it’s happening right now
It’s happening right now

She just can't take you out around the kid
??? have a hit

Well you've dug this grave for months
I'm just giving you a little shove
And now you're innocently asking what you did
Well, you're doing it right now
You're doing it right now

Oh I’ll miss you and
All the rest to you
Oh I’ll miss you and
All the best to you
Hope the whole denial thing works out

Even when you tried to lose ??
You only shot so loud that you could never hear

Always wondering what went wrong
Singing everybody else's song

Ahooo!
Werewolves of Boston
Ahooo!
Werewolves of Austin
Ahooo!
Werewolves in London
Werewolves of Warren Zevon
Werewolves of Whitney Houston
Werewolves of Michael Jackson
Werewolves of Sheena Easton

Oh it doesn't matter now
No it doesn't matter now
Oh I’ll miss you and
All the rest to you
Oh I’ll miss you and
All the best to you
Hope the whole denial thing works out
Hope the whole denial thing works out

Do You Swear To Tell The Truth The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth So Help Your Black Ass

When I was six years old my sister Alyson
Asked for a stove for her birthday
A miniature one you could actually cook with
And my mom was nice and she bought one

Alyson needed a reason to bake something
Barged in my room and she grabbed me
She said:
"I made a cake and we're going next door
To Sam Weinstein’s and you're getting married"

The cake was burned
It tasted gross
She made me kiss him
On the mouth

Now I am 33
Unmarried happily
No plans in life and I’m planning to keep it that way
I do kissing with only one mission
Do you like to kiss? Then you have my permission

And I have already spent too much time
Doing things I didn't want to
So if I just want to make out all the time
You can bet your black ass that I’m going to

When i was nine i was kind of a loser
The kids in my class didn't like me
Melanie chow was the meanest of all
And my mom made me go to her party

Nobody talked to me I sat there quietly
Drawing with crayons on a napkin
A picture of Melanie skewered with a pitchfork
Her legs getting eaten by lions

The cake was good
I took some home
I had a party
In my room

Now I have friends and I’m not such a loser
But I go to bars all alone and I sit there
And order red wine and I write and I like being alone around people
Yes that's how I like it

And I’ve already spent too much time
Doing things I didn't want to
So if I wanna sit here and write and drink wine
You can bet your black ass that I’m going to

Yes I come here often
Sure I’ll have another one
Yes I come here often
Sure I’ll have another one
But I don't have to talk to you

When I was 17 I was a blowjob queen
Picking up tips from the masters
I was so busy perfecting my art I was clueless to what they were after
Now I’m still a blowjob queen (far more selectively)
I don't make love now to make people love me
But I don't mind sharing my gift with the planet
We're all gonna die and a blowjob's fantastic

And

When I was 25 I was a rock star
But it didn't pay too well I had to strip on the side
Of the road to get ready for shows and the cars driving by
Baby they'd never know
What a bargain they'd gotten
And if I’m forgotten
I'm perfectly happy with all that has happened
And I still get laughed at but it doesn't bother me
I'm just so glad to hear laughter around me

And I’ve already spent too much time
Doing things I didn't want to

So if I want to drink alone dressed like a pirate
Or look like a dyke
Or wear high heels and lipstick
Or hide in a convent
Or try to be mayor
Or marry a writer
Smoke crack and slash tires
Make jokes you don't like
Or paint ducks and retire

You can bet your black ass that I’m going to

Echo Gallery

They pose symmetrical
Scattered through the Echo Hall
Works of art in pensive phase
With the worldy critics gaze
And there's a special one
Another convert to the throng
And maybe in her wildest dreams she is a human
But anyone with brains can see she is the new one

The artist uses short brush strokes just like the master
Wave the finished product in the air to dry it faster
Then they spray themselves with anti-tarnish ultragloss
It reduces flaking and this cramps(?) would come
WIth hanging on the cross

How to be a Happy Statue
Five easy tips in our next issue
Youmight have thought all hope was lost
But now the chance is yours - and for a reasonable cost

She does her face in Cubist fashion like the others
Tonight the curator protects them with blue covers
And what's the point of looking pretty with no audience?
And won't you find it sad that beauty's based on inexperience?

And as for her we heard she had a little accident
Someonetipped her over and her face received a fatal dent
So it's all over because who likes imperfection?
Her only hope is that it might become a fashion

See only certainty
Bargain hunting destiny
Maybe she'll redeem herself with mightiness from off the shelf
Thus concludes the story of the Echo Gallery
Visit any time to see the fools who sold themselves to slavery

How to be a Happy Statue
Five easy tips in our next issue
You might have thought all hope was lost
But now the chance is here - and for a reasonable cost

Eclectic song

The air is still
It's five o'clock
Wet streamers from red walls
The rocks are thick
With dampened ashes
As the morning falls

A plastered laugh
Shrieks echoing
Cross-faded with a tortured snore
Concluding groans of desperate sex
From every bolted door

One more glass of Luke-warm wine
And one more fancy cigarette
She wraps a sheet
Around her waist
This evening is not finished yet

Everyone on valentine’s got drunk enough to kiss her
Tonight she will be satisfied with something if it kills her

She executes through broken glass of vomit touching dance
Through slips of papers, names and numbers scrawled in drunken hands
Sliding down the sticky stairwell lucky Cinderella’s hair
And somebody should notice her
Some passed out prince beneath the chair
Everyone on valentine’s got drunk enough to kiss her
Tonight she will be satisfied with something if it kills her

Nothing's left except the stench
And bottles in the bar
She hangs the streamers
Up again
Turns on the disco ball
And sitting there
The day before
With all the patience in the world
She swears she won't
Get up until
She feels like she's a real live college girl

Everybody hurts

( R.E.M Cover / Amanda Palmer & Cormac Bride for Drive XV LP )

When the day is long
And the night
The night is yours alone

When you're sure you've had enough
Of this life
Well hang on

Don't let yourself go
'Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts
Sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong
Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone
If you feel like letting go
When you think you've had too much
Of this life, well hang on

Everybody hurts
Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts

Don't throw your hand
Oh, no
Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone
No, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life
The days and nights are long
When you think you've had too much
Of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts
Sometimes
Everybody cries
And everybody hurts
Sometimes
Everybody hurts
Sometimes

So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts
Hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on...

Gaga Palmer Madonna

She is apart of the music continuum
And she's apart of this difficult world
And she wears outfits made out of aluminium
She is a 23, she is a 23, she is a 23 and a half year old girl

I am apart of the music continuum
And I'm apart of this difficult world
And I'm often naked and play the accordion
I am a 33,I am a 33,I am a 33 and a half year old girl

She is part of the music continuum
And also part of this difficult world
She was the first one to often have no clothes on
She is not 53, she's only 50
But I used her anyway 'cause she fits well in this song

Art is great, that way you can do anything
You can make pop music, you can paint ducks
But it your a pop star and your a women
Then it's much more likely that people will say your art sucks

Making pop music isn't for everyone
Actually, that's wrong, it technically is
That's why it's pop music
Now I've confused myself
I'm gonna start a new verse and I'll say it like this

Some artists focus on love and simplicity
Some artists focus on fashion and fame
Then sometimes some artists try to do everything
Which is impossible-I think those people are brave

Art is simple just ask Andy Warhol
If he weren't dead he would tell you the truth
Call it a masterpiece, call it a urinal
It doesn't matter, it's art so there's nothing to prove

I'm not sure what this point of this song was
And I know this song doesn't actually have to have
Any point at it all, even good rhymes in it

Like Lady Gaga and also Madonna
I'm just trying to entertain people
Make a living, and pay my rent
Without having to get a job I hate
And hopefully find an audience
Who will love and accept me
And not think I'm a narcissist
For wanting to be a performer
And find true inner peace and that's it
(Except it's not)

Now a question to further our dialog
Is all art real art and is pop art art
And if someone talented wants to make pop music
why should we worry when there's so much other shit wrong

This song took less time to write and record
And post straight onto youtube then writing a blog
I think it's possible I may do more of these
Please leave your comments especially if you think I'm wrong

I believe in aeroplanes

Future save me
I feel empty
Daytime TV
Please convince me

They all believe in something
All believe in something
All believe in something

Oh this Gandhi
Micro-arthroscopy
You can tell your lies to me
I know they're all make believe

Except for maybe one thing
Except for maybe one thing
I don't believe in anything
Except for maybe one thing
I don't believe in anything
I believe in aeroplanes
I believe in aeroplanes
I believe
I believe
I believe
I believe in aeroplanes

I spy with my glass eye
I spiral down inside
I spy a dying tribe
We can fly but never rise
So sinks
No chance
Fire engines second place
Sometimes i look into space
And i love the human race

They all believe in something
They all believe in something
They all believe in something

My head is pressed
Triple pains of plastic glass
Down below the world's in bed
I won't believe a thing I’ve read

Except for maybe one thing
Except for maybe one thing
I don't believe in anything
Except for maybe one thing
I don't believe in anything
I believe in aeroplanes
I believe in aeroplanes
The occasional good rock band
Seven of my good friends
Pope!
Anthony!
Josh!
Lee!
Steve!
John!
Brian!
I believe in aeroplanes
I believe in aeroplanes
I believe
I believe
I believe
I believe in aeroplanes

I spy with my black eye
I spiral down inside
I spy a dying tribe
We can fly but never rise
We can fly but never rise
We can fly but never rise

Icarus

( Jason Webley Cover / Live )

I wake up every morning to the sound of motors roaring
They are drowning out the voice sin my head
At night while I am sleeping I can hear the angels speaking
But I can't recall a single thing they said
I see their lips move clearly I feel their presence near me
But each word they try to tell me just slips through the cracks
I push I strain I wrestle with my brain and then a voice from somewhere whispers to relax

I'll say a word for sickness
She is my favorite mistress
She knows my body like no other can
My flesh and spirit keep colliding
When her fingers are inside me
Oh my god oh my god, lady I'm your man
Fever flu malaria come near me do not spare me
I just long to spend another night under attack
I wretch, I shake, I cry until I break
And then I feel something release and I relax

I've banged my head for days against the walls inside this maze
I've never been to good at this damn kind of thing
I'm in here with my father
I'm just pacing but he's smarter
He's been bulding a fantastic set of wings
And like that I'm up and flying
With the labrynth behind me
but I go too high the sun is melting through the wax
It burns it hurts I tumble to the earth
And as I fall I feel myself relax

Am I letting go
I think I'm letting go
I must be letting go
I've got to let it go
Let it go
Let it go
Let it go...

I wake up every morning
To the sound of motors roaring
They're still drowning out the voices in my head
At night while I am sleeping
I still hear the angels speaking
But I can't recall a single thing they said
I see their lips move clearly I feel their presence near me
But each word they try to tell me just slips through the cracks
I push I strain I wrestle with my brain
I wretch, I shake, I cry until I break
It burns it hurts I tumble to the earth
And as I fall I feel myself relax

I Google you

( Live / Lyrics by Neil Gaiman )

I Google you
Late at night when I don’t know what to do
I find photos
You’ve forgotten
You were in
Put up by your friends

I Google you
When the day is done and everything is through
I read your journal
That you kept
That month in France
I’ve watched you dance

And I’m pleased your name is practically unique
It’s only you and
A would-be phd in Chesapeake
Who writes papers on
The structure of the sun
I’ve read each one

I know that I
Should let you fade
But there’s that box
And there’s your name
Somehow it never makes the pain
Grow less or fade or disappear
I think that I should save my soul and
I should crawl back in my hole
But it’s too easy just to fold
And type your name again
I fear
I google you
Whenever I’m alone and feeling blue
And each scrap of information
That I gather
Says you’ve got somebody new
And it really shouldn’t matter
Ought to blow up my computer
But instead….
I google you

I will follow you into the dark

( Death Cab For a Cutie Cover )

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black
And I held my toungue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangcock to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms

If heaven and hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

June is busting out all over

There’s the smell in the air , rubbbed from an ad in a magazine
There’s that lust in my eyes their hearts light up like TV screens

June is busting out all over
June is busting out all over

How could you look the way you do when we can do so much for you
A drug for eyes, a drug for hips , a drug to give you sweeter lips to kiss

A screw, a pull, a twist , the drug that makes you prettiest

June is busting out all over
June is busting out all over

It’s sad but true, you’ll be ignored - Unless you have a credit card
Imagine life fulfilled and fun you could be a model or just feel like one
Girls, the men are playing court , to us, girls are playing everything they ought
Because we’re beautifiers, face-destroyers, aunts, mothers, sisters, daughters
Buy it use it, feel it, let it , If you don’t, you’re ugly sad and tragic

An 85 step diet plan - You need to try to please that man
Your finger nails are red like claws - but it’s not for a worthy cause because

It’s june and busting out all over
June is busting out all over

The pain’s not bad , It’s something like a wet electric shock
But he’s your fella , And you love him
And all the rest is talk

Kaledrina

An arm is off
An eye is missing
A face is cracked
A mouth is rusting
A dress is ripped
A hand is stuck
This mechanism
Seems to be broken

But pull the string
Still it can talk

"My name is Kaledrina,
And I love you very much"

When I woke up
My arm was off
My eye was missing
My face was cracked
My mouth was rusting
My dress was ripped
A hand was stuck
This mechanism
Seems to be broken

But pull the string
Still I can talk

"My name is Kaledrina,
And I love you very much..."

Livin' On A Prayer

( Bon Jovi Cover / Live 2009 )

Once upon a time
Not so long ago
Tommy used to work on the docks
Union's been on strike
He's down on his luck
It's tough, oh it's tough

Gina works the diner all day
She's working for her man
She brings home her pay
For love, it's all for love

We've got to hold on to what we've got
It doesn't make a difference if we make it or not
We've got each other and that's a lot
For love, we'll give it a shot

Oh we're half way there
Oh oh, livin' on a prayer
Take my hand and we'll make it I swear
Oh oh, livin' on a prayer...

Look Mummy No Hands

( Dilly Keane Cover / Live )

Remember the fair ma
The two of us there ma
By the merry-go-round

I stood there entranced
As the bright colours danced
To the magical sound

Just a dollar for pleasure untold
And I rode in a world of scarlet and gold

Look mummy no hands
I'm riding the roundabout all by myself
Look mummy no hands
I called as I passed her
Faster and faster
Hold on tight darling
She called out in fear
But I laughed and pretended
That I couldn't hear
How careless we are when we're young

Remember the years
Of the salt and the tears
Do you recall

I hated you when you said
Be back by ten
I knew it all

Always asking to know what I'd done
But as far as I knew
I was just having fun

Look mummy no hands
I know how to take good care of myself
Look mummy no hands
Please don't be a bore
'Cause I know the score
She tried to warn me
But I wouldn't heed her
I was grown up
And I didn't need her
How careless we are when we're young

Remember the daughter
And all that you taught her
She's grown up at last

With a life of her own
She struggles alone
As the years all fly past

But now you're not there
To answer her call
You're not there to catch her
When she stumbles and falls

Look mummy no hands
I'm having to do this all by myself
Look mummy no hands
I used to dismiss you
Now I just miss you
As my child grows away from me
I feel my heart sinking
But I look back and smile
And I find myself thinking
How careless we are when we're young

Man Ray

If you go out to the woods tonight
You'll likely find a frightening sight
The girls are thin, the boys are thin
Skin whitened they are harlequin
Their music comes in "metal" "caplets"
Come here very often, like the "dance"
"Even"

"Summer" night
The chairs are "good"
The chains and "a" were glittery
Arrangements are a strange hallucination
Or a "place" engagement
With a "good" replacement or the "armor-all"
The bell rings and the race
Is on

You there
See your maiden
Made a golden dress
He's paid her
No attention
She's an uninvited pest

Six are screaming in the red
'Cause underground in deep "exclusion"
Slowly off the riches "or"
Realized it by "the makers" "from"
Out the backdoors
"I say captain"
Bells and "bitters" what a lovely sight
It is

But
Suddenly the air is thick
The cd's skipping, blood is dripping
Slowly from behind it
Wrapped in silky silver fishnets
Love notes she left on bathroom walls
They talk about how beautiful it is
But it
Is ruining the sinks

No one ever talked to her
No one wanted to be friends
No one ever danced with her
Actions will have consequences

All at once, hearts slowly stopping
Bodies dropping, let them ripen
Balling up they're choking on their poisonous
Long island ice teas
"purring" like babies
And the price of -- mortality
She's pleased
With this
Amusing ending

As the clock strikes one less "lantern"
Everyone has gone to heaven
Lost our light, the bar is brittle-
This smell is awful pungent

Bodies lying on the grass
Or like a beam of "awring" (?)
But wait, there’s more
A moral for you all

"Please oh" saw your maiden
As she slips across the street
Dancer to the sirens
Oh, revenge
Is bittersweet

No one ever wanted her
No one even asked her name
No one ever noticed her
Now of course it’s much too late

So smile and open up your heart
Buy a lonely girl a drink
Though she may seem harmless darling,
Nothing's ever what you

Marry Me

( St Vincent Cover )

Marry me, John
Marry me, John I'll be so good to you
You won't realize I'm gone

Marry me, John
Marry me, John I'll be so sweet to you
You won't realize I'm gone
You won't realize I'm gone

Many people wanna make money make love
Make friends make peace with death
But most mainly want to win the game they came to win
They want to come out ahead
But you, you're a rock
With a heart like a socket
I can plug into at will
And will you guess when I come around next
I hope your open sign is blinking still

So marry me, John
Marry me, John I'll be so good to you
You won't realize I'm gone
You won't realize I'm gone

As for me I would have to agree
I'm as fickle as a paper doll
Been kicked by the wind
When I touch down again
I'll be in someone else's arms

Oh, John, come on
We'll do what married people do
Oh, John
I don't care
Come on
What you want
We'll do what Mary and Joseph did
I want to marry you
without the kid

I want to marry you
So Marry me, John
Marry me, John I'll be so good to you
You won't realize I'm gone
You won't realize I'm gone...

Many people wanna make money make love
Make friends make peace with death
Many people wanna make money make love
Make friends make peace with death
Many people wanna make money make love
Make friends make peace with death...

Mary's surgeon 

Mary's surgeon
Called me urgent
Get down to Lord
And be my God

One date me in the dark

And for this labor
I was savoured
Tender arrangement
It went to my head

We kept our lives

But your mouth keeps going where your mind won't go
You don't want to choke so chew it slowly
Nibble the edges on the kitchen floor
If it suits your taste, taste some more
If you're worried that it's bitter like a barbie doll
Hold your nose and swallow it all
If you're worried that it's all gonna go to your hips
Roll it round your rosy lips
If you're worried that it's all gonna go to your thighs
Close your eyes for a big surprise

And Mary's Surgeon
Called me certain
Brand new flavour
I can save her

Such pity for the part

Mary's running away where we can't find her
Far away from smells that would remind her
Your hometown has burned down

But you will look
Staring at your face reflected in a fetid water
What shadows will it cast today
Familiar smells of fresh decay

You wish that you could flush yourself away
Complicitly leave your mark

And Mary's surgeon
Called me purging
Lord God, save us
It's contagious
It's contagious
It's contagious

?? and it catches us

Not mine

Everyone says it’ll laugh like you
Everyone says it’ll get your smile
Well I’m the only one who knows you never loved me baby
Not a single solitary time
Not a single solitary time

Everyone says it’ll have your temper
Everyone says it’ll have your eyes
Well I’m the only one who knows where you were sleeping baby
And I really wouldn’t be surprised
I really wouldn’t be surprised

Everybody tells me that I’m crazy
Saying I’m too young to have a baby
But maybe the jokes on you this time
Maybe the jokes on you this time

And everyone will say that I’m a liar
Everyday the swallowing gets tighter
Keeping this a secret has been murder
And I’d like to get on with my life
I’d like to get on with my life

Everyone says it’ll laugh like you
Everyone says it’ll get your smile
Well I don’t even know if you’re the father
But there isn’t anyway its mine

Please Drop Me

( Live / dedicated to her record label, Roadrunner Records. The music is Moon River )

Please drop me, I don't fit on your roster
I'm tired of this pointless shit
Please drop me, what do I have to do,
I'm tired of sucking corporate dick

You don't get me
You won't let me
Continue my career in peace and it's making me sad

Too late now to fix this fucking mess
Please just let me go, I swear
You won't miss me
You don't love me
I'm not making you any money

Plus you'll still have Slipknot
And Annihilator and Machine Head
And Cradle of Filth and Megadeth
And 3 Inches of Blood and Life of Agony
And Mutiny Within and Hatebreed
And Killswitch Engage and Nickelback

Pro-vanity

I’ve been pro-vanity since I was ten.
I picture altars and then I shelter den
Baby bottle didn’t choke, there were no cherry lollipops, cherry lip smacker and I got off
Marry money have a child, keep it pretty ugly as you eat sushi and drink cocktails.

And I’m sick of your smile
And I’m sick of your cake
And I’m sick of your meaningless blather
And I’m sick of your hair
And I wish it weren’t there
Maybe some night i’ll visit you sleeping

There is no place I would rather be killed
Than in my own backyard
On my own propane grill
Alcohol it didn't stop the little melancholy absence and I felt high, so I ripped it off
Money prices an unborn child it would be hated
But you should be wary of those thirty fall drops

And I'm sick when I breathe
And I wish you would leave
At the very least have an abortion
I don’t mean to damn like it
I don’t think it’s right
For a woman to breed for attention

I’ve been pro-vanity since I could know
No one will ever care to see what I don’t show
And momma didn't lock and load it secretly
We see her sending a letter(?) and withstood the shock
Oh my daddy felt i knew and consequently grew into a calm
And hurt over the thought that was new

And I’m sick of myself
And I wish you could help
If you want to you can pull out the ladder
Oh, and it sounds self-indulgent
Amazing i’ve managed
To keep you engaged for just four fucking minutes
And maybe you’d be happy to be pro-vanity

Rhyme & rhythm

At the ball
'Till ten
Come on I’m just like them
They can't bear to wait
All they wear is bait
But I don't change my clothes
My underwear is six days old
My hair is ratted in a lunch-lady net
But I can catch one anyway
I bet

Going out to parties never worked for me
I would rather sit at home and scheme
Moller picked up oma with a symphony
There must be a boy out there for me

Rhyme and rhythm
Go out and get him
I am relying
On you to find him
That is your purpose
Don't know what mine is

He will be strange and dark
He'll be hilarious and wrapped up in his work
He will have seen the world
He'll have an endless list of wicked tales to tell
And he will think that I’m too dirty
He will not want to like me
He'll say a friend brought me to see the show
He'll say I think you're just the girl I’d like to get to know
I'd like to get to get to know
I'd like to like to know
I

Getting drunk at parties never worked for me
I would rather sit and home and scheme
How to pitch our music to the industry
That will increase my chances exponentially

Rhyme and rhythm
Go out and get him
I am relying
On you to find him
That is your purpose
Don't know what mine is
Rhyme and rhythm
Go out and get him
I am relying
On you to find him
That is your purpose
Not fame and fortune
Not fame and fortune
Not fame and fortune
Not fame and fortune

Sandy's Song

( Amanda Palmer Solo )

"This is a song about - well, when I was young, in grade school,
my mother had this friend named Sandy Swain. And she was crazy -
chemically - or so they said. She ate nothing but condiments.

I don't know why.

But, she came to live with us for a little while. And she killed
herself. This is a song about that."

And the last thing I'd recall
Her body standing on the stone
Sandy wiping her grey eyes
I was pleased and frightened
To see a grownup woman cry
She blamed her housemaid for her mind
But I think they all knew it had to happen - some time.

I had rushed home from school
To see my favourite show
And as it happened, it was deadly cold that day
And as I peeled my mittens frozen to my wrists with snow
I swore I heard a voice come from the living room
And say:
"Oh...God
Oh...God
Oh...well..."

And when I peered into that room
My little afternoon turned sick
Sandy hanging from the light
Her Levis wrapped around her neck

It was a sight to see
Old Sandy finally seeing me
And though she couldn't speak
I had a sinking feeling that she would have said:
"Oh, darling....more mascara?"

She looked so peaceful in the air
The lightbulb shining in her hair
Her face was free
It frightened me
She looked happy
I guess she found a difference

And I thought about the joke
Where the man keeps up his rotting wife
She had maggots in her mouth
I wonder if I can sleep now

And then the car drove up
And then the car drove up
And I remember sleeping
And I remember sleeping...

And they wrapped her up and drove away
And now I have this crazy fantasy...

What if Sandy died in front of me

Straight

There is a boy in a band
Who is friends with my French
Teacher's high school friend Christian
A very nice
Gentleman

He seems to know me
But I can’t remember him
Good God forgive me
I’m out of my element

And I can’t seem to keep them all straight
I’ve forgotten which people I like
And which people I hate
And I’m waiting
For someone to shake me and say

Hey bitch
Your wish
Is my command
Just smile
And nod
We'll under...
...standing in front of the sink
I’m pretending to wink
At pretend-paparazzi who hide
In the chemicals

From every locket behind
Every curtain
Their lenses ensure that i
Look lost in thought yet
Approachable

And I can’t seem to keep them all straight
I’ve forgotten which ones I should skip
And which ones I should take
And I’m waiting
For someone to shake me and say

Hey bitch
Don’t quit
You're almost dead
Don't give up now
Make friends instead
Of getting dressed
Go home instead
Of going out
Go back
To bed

There is a voice on the phone
Who's convinced I’m alone
And I’ve called 'cause I’m greedy
And looking for sympathy

He seems to like me
But I can’t relate
I would like to get closer
But Christ, all the time it takes

And I can’t seem to keep myself straight
I’ve forgotten which habits to hide
And which habits to break
And I’m waiting
For someone to shake me and say

Hey bitch
Nice tits
You're broke but then
You're rich in love
You're great in bed
You'll see the world
You'll knock them dead
And all the thick books that you've read
Will count for nothing in the end

The assistant

Step inside this magic tent
Seven wonders, fifty cents
Watch the man without a face
Disappear without a trace

You can't manage by yourself
I am just the girl to help
You're no good at telling lies
Your hands are quicker than your eyes
But do you see what I see
(do you see what I see)
Do you see what I see

Aren't you such a clever man
Showing off your slight of hand
Well everyone knows you're not true
They blindly play along with you

But you don't hear what I hear
(you don't hear what I hear)
You don't hear what I hear
Stick a pin in it
Come on he's asking for it
Stick a pin it
Come on he's asking for it

You keep your slate left very clean
For blades that split a girl in three
I just wink and smile and wave
Left in pieces there for days

But I know something you don't
(I know something you don't)
I know something you don't
Stick a pin in it
Come on he's asking for it
Stick a pin in it
Come on he's asking for it

Stick a pin in it
I'm getting sick of this and
I can't stand lights and
I can't stand the sight of blood
Stick a fork it
Hey honey picture this
They're gonna love this one
They're gonna eat it up
Stick a fork in it
I'm getting sick from this
I want my mom and dad
To get a new assistant
To get a new assistant
To get a new assistant
To get a new assistant
To get a new assistant

Such great heights

( The postal service cover / Chicago 11-05-04 )

I‘m thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes are mirror images
When we kiss they're perfectly aligned
And i have to speculate
That god himself did make us into corresponding shapes
Like puzzle pieces from the clay

True,
It may seem like a stretch,
But it’s thoughts like this that catch my troubled head
When you're away
When I am missing you to death
When
You’re out there on the road
For several weeks of shows
And when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great heights,
'Come down now,'
They'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'Come down now,'
But we'll stay...

I tried my best to leave
This all on your machine
But the persistent beat sounded thin upon listening
And that
Frankly will not fly
You will hear the highest highs and lowest lows
With the windows down when this is guiding you home

They will see us waving from such great heights,
'Come down now,'
They'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'Come down now,'
But we'll stay...

*** Thanx a lot to The_Better_End for this one ***

The Bed Song

( Live )

Exhibit A: We are friends in a sleeping bag
Splitting the heat we have one filthy pillow to share
And your lips are in my hair

Someone upstairs has a rap that we laugh at
And people are drinking and singing the Scarborough fair
On a ukulele dare

Exhibit B: Well we found an apartment
It’s not much to look at - A futon on the floor
Dirty desktop for a door
All the decors made of milk crates and duct tape
And if we have sex they can hear us through the floor
But we don’t do that anymore

And I lay there wondering what is the matter
Is this a matter of worse or of better
You took the blanket so I took the bed sheet
And I would have held you if you’d only let me

Exhibit C: Look how quaint and how quiet and private
Our pay checks have bought us a condo in town
It’s the nicest flat around
You picked a mattress and had it delivered
And I walked upstairs and the sight of it made my heart pound
And I wrapped my arms around me

And I lay there wondering what is the matter
Is this a matter of worse or of better
You walked right past me and straightened the covers
And I would still love you if you wanted a lover

And you said : All the money in the world
Won’t buy a bed so big and wide
To guarantee that you won’t accidentally touch me in the night
Then I said : You must be right

Exhibit D: Now we are both mostly paralyzed
Don’t know how long we’ve been lying here in fear
Too afraid to even feel
I find my glasses and you turn the light out
Roll off on your side like you’ve rolled away for years
Holding back those king-sized tears

And I still don’t ask you what is the matter
Is it a matter of worse or of better
You take the heart-failure I’ll take the cancer
I’ve long since stopped wondering why you don’t answer

Exhibit E: You can certainly see
How fulfilling a life from the cost and size of stone
Of our final resting home
We got some nice ones right under a cherry tree
You and me lying the only way we know
Side by side and still and cold

And I finally ask you what was the matter
Was this a matter of worse or of better
You stretch your arms out and finally face me
And said

I would have told you if you’d only asked me
You’d only asked me
You’d only asked me

The living room

Forty-seven strings are pulled
By this angelic "beating" girl
And it breaks our hearts to hear
The music that comes out of her.
Shoulders hang on folded chairs
This will be our church tonight
We have dug out foxholes here
Not an atheist in sight.
Laughing shaking taking oaths
Breaking sacramental cups
We pour the magic in our coats
Thinking it can leave with us.

But it’s the wrong way out
Twenty steps but it’s so harming
When they talk out loud
Bend to brace your fingers on me

I’ve been breathing evil air
Sharing needles with the sky
Looking up remembering
Regina said they're just old light.
But you somehow understood
My oversaturated skin
You held your hand up to my neck
And played me like a Theremin
I see London I see France
And all the things that we won’t do
And if I never leave this chair
Maybe I can go with you.

But it’s a long way out
Twenty steps but it's so harming
When they talk out loud
Bend to brace your fingers on me
It’s a long way out
Past the bar and past the awning
Past the easy crowd
Back into the end

We have found our solace here
In this unexpected place
Like a startled, dying man
Kneels in prayer just in case
And while the night sky sadly lit
All that you were sleeping through
Death took my friend Benjamin
But he left his keys with you
So I’ll kiss the air instead
As not to disturb your sleep
And if you never wake my love
Maybe you can come with me

But it’s a long way out
Twenty steps but its so harming
When they talk out loud
Bend to brace your fingers on me
It's a long way out
Past the bar and past the awning
Past the easy crowd
Back into the end of harmony
Back into the end of harmony
Back into the end of harmony
Back into the end

The New Game

Now we're going to play a game
That's lots of lots of fun
I learned it from my auntie
Who learned it from my uncle
My uncle has a secret job
In Washington DC
Something fancy
With the government
I hear he knows the president
First you line up in a row
And count "eeny miney moe"
There are guards
And there are prisoners
And this is how it goes

(key change!)

1,2,3
You are free
And the rest must come with me
Who are you
Are you a witch
No you are a terrorist
If you think that you aren't
You can tell us who you are
But if you are not on the list
Then you are a terrorist

And the terrorists get tortured
Even if no proof exists
Because we can't take any risks
And the terrorists get ordered
To get back in line
So we can play the game a second time

If you're just a pacifist of some kind of activist
Then you are a terrorist
Why it says so on the list
If you're a writer or artist
Or a lover facticist
Then you are a terrorist
'Cause it says so on the list
And the terrorists get tortured
Whether or not they want to play
Because they're guilty anyway
And the terrorists get murdered
Unless the terrorists insists he is not a terrorist
But we can't find you on the list
Are you a doctor or a priest
I'm a right-wing journalist
So you are a terrorist

If you're a fat capitalist
Or a neo-Nazi fascist
We can find you on the list
And you're not a terrorists

Isn't this an easy game
Anyone can play it
People of all ages
Genders, creeds and races (?)
Play it with a couple or a giant group
Entire continents can play
The rules don't change they stay the same

But once the game is done
And someone's won
There is a variation that is almost just as fun

1,2,3
Come with me
And the terrorists are free
If you lose and get left over
Then you are a sympathizer
If you are a singer-songwriter
Or a union-organizer
Bet your bottom-dollar
You will be a sympathizer
And the sympathizers must be punished
Even worse than terrorists
As an example for the kids
Sympathizers must be banished
So to find out which is which we must refer back to the list
If you're a church administrator or a corporate stockholder
Or a nuclear arms maker you are not a sympathizer
If you're not a sympathizer
Be a terrorist, okay
You have to be one or the other
Or we have no game to play

The Wesleyan Fight

The night old Wesleyan went up in flames
I grabbed my cap and gown
I joined an acapella group
Drank natural lite until I puked
Got sexually harassed by deek
Recovered and composed a Wes-Speak
Managed up a telethon
For starving fruit bats in Saigon
And then I checked my messages and mails...
...And made Espresso

The night old Wesleyan went up in flames
I joined an afro-Jewish vegetable cooperative
And went to thirteen football games
I learned a phish song on the banjo
Boycotted for better mangos
Worked out on the Stairmaster for twenty hours
Sent doug bennet flowers
Raped a sex offender
Pierced my nose and changed my gender
Then I got a sandwich and a Popsicle at Wes Shop

And it’s
Fight, fight, fight for old Wesleyan
Drink to happy days of fun
And all these years were a waste of time
I don’t care if you burn away my life tonight
There’s no way that you won

The night old Wesleyan went up in flames
I stole some neon chalk and
Scrolled a billion truisms
About post-modern Marxism
Befriended all the homeless children
Snorted meth and read the Qur'an
Wrote new age philosophy
Bought platform shoes and watched TV
Drew pictures of my childhood trauma
Showered, shaved, and took a sauna
Then I checked my messages and mails and cut my arms up (just a little bit!)

And it’s
Fight, fight, fight for old Wesleyan
Now you see your world undone
And I have stayed until the bitter end
You can take your bulletin broadcast reviews and shove them up your ass
Because I won
I won
I won

I won
I won
I won

College row is burning down
It’s Armageddon, Middletown
Take your refillable coffee mugs...and head for the hills

I won
I won
I won. Confess
I won, confess
I won, confess
I won, confess

Go Wes

Three Men Hanging

( Murder by Death cover )

Get on with it
Put off the fuss you chicken shit
Get on with it
Can't you see its time to quit

I seen three men hangin' from a sycamore
Their bodies were stiff as a two by four
And their heads were tilted down towards the ground

And it ain't been long since they been up there
That their bodies turned cold hangin' in that air
And they might have froze before that noose got to them

Get on with it
Put off the fuss you chicken shit
Get on with it
Can't you see its time to quit

Old scratch has dealt us a dirty hand
He had the look of a saint but the greed of a man
And his face was worn and wrinkled like a leather book

And if I put this revolver to my head
Will god turn against me instead
Of taking pity on a broken man

Get on with it
Get on with it
Get on with it
Get on with it

Time is running out

( Live / Muse Cover )

I think I'm drowning
Asphyxiated
I wanna break this spell
That you've created

You're something beautiful
A contradiction
I wanna play the game
I want the friction

You will be the death of me
You will be the death of me

Bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

Our time is running out
Our time is running out
You can't push it underground
You can't stop it screaming out

I wanted freedom
Bound and restricted
I tried to give you up
But I'm addicted

Now that you know I'm trapped
Sense of elation
You'd never dream of
Breaking this fixation

You will squeeze the life out of me

Bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

And our time is running out
And our time is running out
You can't push it underground
You can't stop it screaming out
How did it come to this

You will suck the life out of me

Bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

And our time is running out
And our time is running out
You can't push it underground
You can't stop it screaming out
How did it come to this

Trout Heart Replica

( Live )

They've been circling, they've been circling
Since the day they were born
It's disturbing, how they're circling
Fifty feet from the pond
Pretty often, pretty often
I don't wanna be told
It's a problem, it's a problem
It's a problem, I know

And I won't keep what I can't catch
In my bare hands without a net
It's hard enough to walk on grass
So conscious of the consequences

They've been jerking, they've been jerking
In a pail by the dock
I know that oxygen
Might make them blossom and die
But I'm not gonna talk
Feed them details, feed them e-mails
They'll eventually grow
It's not working, it's not working
Not as far as I know

And killing things is not so hard
It's hurting that's the hardest part
And when the wizard gets to me
I'm asking for a smaller heart

And I got you, and I got you
Now I'll ruin it all
Feeling helpless, acting selfish
Being human and all
And they're jumping, and they're jumping
But they'll never get out
Just keep touring, keep ignoring
Be a good little trout

And the butcher stops and winds the clock
And lays their lives down on the block
He raises up his hatchet and the
Big hand strikes a compromise

Wait, we'll trade you, wait
Please, just one more day
Then we'll go with no complaining
No complaining, no complaining
Stop

And they're killing, and they're cutting
And I think that I know
And they're gutting, and they're gutting
And I think that I know
And it's beating, it's still beating
And I think that I know
And it's beating, look it's still beating
But I don't wanna know

And killing things is not so hard
It's hurting that's the hardest part
And when the wizard gets to me
I'm asking for a smaller heart
And if he tells me no
I'll hold my breath until I hit the floor
Eventually I know I'm doomed
To get what I am asking for

Now my heart is exactly the size
Of a six sided die cut in half
Made of ruby red stained glass
Can I knock you unconscious
As long as I promise
I'll love you and I'll make you laugh
And my heart is exactly the size
Of a six sided die cut in half
Made of ruby red stained glass
Can I knock you unconscious
As long as I promise
I'll love you and I'll make you laugh

Ukulele Anthem

( Digital song )

Sid vicious played a four-string fender bass guitar and couldn’t sing
And everybody hated him except the ones who loved him
A ukulele has four strings, but Sid did not play ukulele
He did smack and probably killed his girlfriend Nancy Spungen

If only Sid had had a ukulele, maybe he would have been happy
Maybe he would not have suffered such a sad end
He maybe would have not done all that heroin instead
He maybe would’ve sat around just singing nice songs to his girlfriend

So play your favourite cover song, especially if the words are wrong
‘Cause even if your grades are bad, it doesn’t mean you’re failing
Do your homework with a fork and eat your fruit loops in the dark
And bring your etch-a-sketch to work and play your ukulele

Ukulele small and forceful
Ukulele brave and peaceful
You can play the ukulele too it is painfully simple
Play your ukulele badly, play your ukulele loudly
Ukulele banish evil
Ukulele save the people
Ukulele gleaming golden on the top of every steeple

Lizzie Borden took an axe, and gave her mather thirty whacks
Then gave her father thirty-one, and left a tragic puzzle
If only they had given her an instrument, those puritans
Had lost the plot completely, see what happens when you muzzle

A person’s creativity and do not let them sing and scream
And nowadays it’s worse ‘cause kids have automatic handguns
It takes about an hour to teach someone to play the ukulele
About same to teach someone to build a standard pipe bomb
You do the math

So play your favourite cover song, especially if the words are wrong
‘Cause even if your grades are bad, it doesn’t mean you’re failing
Do your homework with a fork and eat your fruit loops in the dark
And bring your flask of jack to work and play your ukulele

Ukulele, thing of wonder
Ukulele, wand of thunder
You can play the ukulele, too in London and down under
Play Joan jett, and play Jacques Brel
And Eminem and Neutral Milk Hotel
Tell the children crush the hatred, play your ukulele naked
And if anybody tries to steal your ukulele, let them take it

Imagine there’s no music, imagine there are no songs
Imagine that John Lennon wasn’t shot in front of his apartment
Now imagine if John Lennon had composed “imagine” for the ukulele
Maybe people would have truly got the message

You may think my approach is simple-minded and naïve
Like if you want to change the world then why not quit and feed the hungry
But people for millennia have needed music to survive
And that is why I’ve promised John that I will not feel guilty

So play your favourite Beatles’ song
And make the subway fall in love
They’re only $19.95, that is not a lot of money
Play until the sun comes up
And play until your fingers suffer
Play Lcd Soundsystem songs on your ukulele
Quit the bitching on your blog
And stop pretending art is hard
Just limit yourself to three chords
And do not practice daily
You’ll minimize some stranger’s sadness
With a piece of wood and plastic
Holy fuck it’s so fantastic, playing ukulele
Eat your homework with a fork
And do your fruit loops in the dark
And bring your etch-a-sketch to work
Your flask of jack
Your vibrator
Your fear of heights
Your Nikon lens
Your mom and dad
Your disco stick
Your soundtrack to “karate kid”
Your ginsu knives
Your rosary
Your new rebecca black cd
Your favourite room
Your bowie knife
Your stuffed giraffe
Your new glass eye
Your sousaphone
Your breakfast tea
Your Nick Drake tapes
Your giving tree
Your ice cream truck
Your missing wife
Your will to live
Your urge to cry
Remember we’re all going to die
So play your ukulele

You May Kiss The Bride

( Who Killed Amanda Palmer - Alternate tracks LP )

Hitler and Napoleon
Fought thirty years
To have her hand

Bitter ends
Thy will be done
Disney magic
Kingdom come

After all we've won
Is this the state we are reduced to
It might make you sick at first
It takes some getting used to

Her nails are polished
But her hands are tied

You may kiss the bride

Cold
His hand
The secret show
The liver dun

And when we bomb
The foreign towns
Will she smile
Upside down

Walk her through an aisle strewn
With cigarettes and needles
In the face of this devotion
We are merely equals

Take her in your arm like cyanide
A long black car is parked outside
To take away the bride

A tisket, a tasket
A green and yellow basket
A tisket, a tasket
A green and yellow basket

Attract it, attack it
Strike first and ask it after
Attract it, attack it
Strike first and ask it after

In the ruins of this brave new world we have uncovered
Remains the vestige of the bride who stood aghast and wondered

Who'd have thought we'd lose this easy fight
It seems she's sleeping but her eyes are wide

Won't someone wake the bride

Goth!